What If?

What if everything I thought I knew was all a lie? What if everything I fell in love with wasn't real? What if the person I loved never existed?

Would it make getting over him easier? Would I be able to trust anyone ever again?    


Would I be able to trust MYSELF ever again?

When the only man you have ever trusted one hundred percent  leaves the way he did, it tends to make you second guess everything.

Another Birthday...

As some of my readers know, I am not exactly fond of my birthday. I reference the reasons I hate it here. Every year I hate it a little more. Now, along with the typical "I'm not doing anything fun for my birthday" that I have come to expect, I also have the fact that I am single again.  I am getting older, with a few more wrinkles too.

Once again I felt the mass amounts of dread as my birthday approached. Thursday I was a blubbering hormonal mess. I didn't want to go sing karaoke with Jen, I just wanted to lay in bed and have a pity party. I sobbed and sobbed so much my eyes hurt. I sobbed for all the loss I had experienced in the last months. I was missing my grandmother, who had passed away in February, I was missing CS. I was missing all of the friends we had together, and I was mourning plans that we had made for my birthday that I knew would never happen. I was in a serious funk and I felt like I wasn't ever going to get out of it. Jen forced me to go out that night, which helped a little, but the next day it was all back. Funkville. Which, by the way is not as cool as Funkytown!

I agreed to go over to Morro Bay with some friends on Sunday. Jen and her boyfriend "Mohawk" met me at my house and we met another friend and had lunch on the Embarcadero. The whether was very nice, the meal was great, but I was miserable. Even copious amounts of salt water taffy and brown butter cookies couldn't make me happy. I just felt like everything was "off".

R& S wanted to get together for dinner for my birthday, but I just couldn't do it. I haven't been able to hang out with both of them without CS. It's too hard. It reminds me of all the fun we used to have as a foursome, and I just feel like it would be insanely awkward to be the third wheel along with them. I'm not ready to go out with them, and it makes me sad. I want to be strong enough to say fuck it.... these are my friends too, but I am just not there... yet! They were never my friends, and they were never his friends, they were "our" friends, so I know they feel like they have to pick only one of us when there is an event. It just sucks that he always gets picked. I wish we could be friendly so no one would have to make that kind of choice at all.

When I got to work yesterday they had decorated my office for my birthday, and made me wear a tiara, and they even gave me a magic wand. They all sang happy birthday and provided cake for me, and everyone else. I was so touched by the amount of love from my crew for someone they had only known for a short few months that I almost burst into tears. Then of course it was one of those moments that made me think... wow people I have only known for a few months did this for me, and DoucheyMcDouchey pants can't even say Happy Birthday? It made me angry again, and that got me through the day until i got home.

There it was, a neatly wrapped present with pink polka dots sitting on my doorstep when I got home. I froze. Who would leave a package on my door step? It had my name on it, but no card. As I picked up the gift I recognized the writing... Oh Jesus! This cannot be.... I tore a piece of the paper back and looked inside. It was this huge book that was a vault of all things UCLA football, with memorabilia from the past, and all kinds of great stories, and pictures. I stared at the package like it was a ghost. I dropped it to the floor and stood there crying. I knew it was from CS the minute I saw what it was. My stomach lurched, and I suddenly felt like I was going to throw up. I picked up my phone and sent him a text asking him if he had left something on my doorstep. His reply was short...

"Yes. Happy Birthday"

Fuck YOU CS for telling me happy birthday after your soul crushing actions over the last weeks. My birthday sucks, it always does, and YOU ruined it even more by running out of my life with no explanation right before my birthday. Fuck you for bringing me a gift and acting like it's the nicest thing in the world, and everyone should think you are awesome! YOU ruined what little joy I had yesterday because I spent the night sobbing and confused because you bought me something for my birthday but couldn't face me to give it to me!!! If you are so done with me... stop it! Stop coming back around just when I start to feel better and make me think you care... cause I know you don't in my head, but my heart just gets all confused again. Oh and for someone who was in a relationship with someone that was "ok for now" you sure knew exactly what to buy her for her birthday.

Yep. That's what I wanted to say... but I didn't. I just said thank you for the gift and remembering my birthday. It was a sad little text, and it got no reply, as I expected. However, somehow being nice to him, even though he hasn't been, felt really good.

I ended up going to bed and having nightmares all night. I couldn't sleep much. I tossed and turned  I woke up this morning thinking...

 Yes another birthday over. THANK GOD!

I'm Back Bitches...

With even MORE glitter...

I am sitting here in my office and I can hear my coworkers laughing in the back office, and I realize my world hasn't ended. Life is going to go on. Just because this season of my life has ended, doesn't mean I am never going to be OK. Today I am feeling better about everything that has been happening lately. I know that it's going to be a process to completely get over the feeling that I was duped by someone who I thought was awesome. Change is never easy. CS was my best friend, our lives were enmeshed more than I realized, so a huge part of MY life has to change to adapt to the changes that we thrown upon me. Looking forward I have to focus on my new life, new relationships, and friends. With that comes a lot of time with old friends, doing things I did before CS was part of my life, and focusing on ME!

I have an amazing group of coworkers that make me want to come into work every day. I can vent, laugh, and cry with the girls here and even though I am the new kid here, they treat me like we have been friends forever. I feel like I am part of their family. It's a good fit, and I am blessed to have found this job when I did. I don't know what I would have done with myself if I had to go through all of these changes AND be unemployed too. Spending time with these people nine hours a day five days a week, you either want to rip their heads off or hug them... some days I want to do both. Today no one will have to die.

Focusing on getting back to who *I* was really helps me feel whole again too. I decided I needed to spice up my look a little bit, so I am doing away with the boring "natural" brown hair color. I am going to go for a dark cherry or plum color. You know, something NOT natural. Something a little more sexy. I have lost 10 pounds since all of this started and I am going back to walking around the lake in the evenings with DL. It's not only therapy, because I get to vent about everything but maybe I will lose some more weight. Lord knows I need help in that department. I guess maybe I should thank CS for being such a douche and jump starting my weight loss? Maybe tied to a rock, through his window... No!? Too much?

Last night I spent 4 hours on the phone with a friend, and it felt great. I didn't feel like I had to hold anything back. I just let go, and I was really able to just be myself. I was able to talk about things I love, and feel supported. It was a nice treat to be able to talk about myself, and not CS for a change.

I have a lot of great friends who have been there for me through all of this. They were all there BC (before CS) and the ones that really count are still here. I've always said, go through something horrible, and see who sticks around, and you find out who your REAL friends are.

Today's Theme Song: Cuckoo ~ Adam Lambert

For Now, turns into "For-never"

It's early, there is a nice summer breeze outside, the birds are chirping, and I feel strangely calm about my life. I have some peace. I have some closure. Probably not the closure I was expecting, nor the closure I thought I wanted, but it was what I needed. God has a funny way of doing that doesn't he? Praise Jesus on this one! Change is so hard for me, but I survived another weekend where our friends were divided for an event and they chose CS. I'm glad they did, and I didn't expect any different. It was just hard to feel left out.

I had more confirmation this weekend of exactly who CS is. A mutual friend of mine and CS met me yesterday afternoon to talk about everything that had happened, and enlightened me on some things that I didn't know. I was shocked to find out that CS had referred to our relationship as "OK for now". I honestly don't know why I was shocked. I had heard so many things from people I trusted about how CS was with other women in his past, but I really believed he wasn't the cad everyone made him out to be. JB and I had many many discussions on why I was still dating a man who clearly wasn't satisfying me. I used to say that even on CS's worst day he was better than most men on their best, and he is always there for me and when we are together he treats me really well. That was all true. I have mixed feelings about all of this now. I want to be angry and pissed off at him for all the times he was angry at me for no reason. I want to be angry with him for making me out to be a fool. Everyone seemed to know that I was in some kind of "faux" relationship but me. However, if I am truly going to be honest with myself... and that is what this blog is about. I guess I always knew from that first new years eve. Things changed with us, and they never really went back to normal. They were good, but not great. He was good to me in a lot of ways, but sadly not in the ways someone you love is supposed to be. I want to hate him, but instead I find myself sad. Not for me though. I am sad because I don't think CS will ever truly be happy, because I am not sure he will ever let himself feel any kind of emotion. You can't just pick and chose what emotions you want your heart to feel. True passionate people can't do that, and I don't want to be with someone who has no passion. I don't want to be with someone who feels nothing. Again... that's not living, that's just existing.

I want someone for passion for God, music, and life! I want someone who will look at me and tell me that I am the most beautiful girl in the room, even when I'm not. I want someone who notices when I change my hair. I want someone who goes to sleep at night dreaming about me. I want someone to hold me when I have a bad day, and laugh with me when I have a good day. I want someone to hold my hand in public, and dance with me at weddings. I want someone to sit next to me during football games and at least pretend to hate USC. (Come on people an 8 clap once in awhile is not that hard!) I want someone to understand that families are not always perfect and tolerate mine just because they are mine. I want someone to text me first for a change. I want someone who will stand on the top of a mountain and tell the world how much he loves me. 

Private lives aren't private anymore!

I fought hard to make something out of nothing, and I really had a lot of hope that someday CS and I would make a real go of it. No one can ever say I didn't try hard enough, or I didn't give 110%. When I love, I love with my whole heart, and I did love CS in spite of all of his crazy. That's ok. I know I was a good... GREAT girlfriend even if I didn't know it was all pretend.

Today's song: Kiss and Tell - Adam Lambert

It's A Nicki Minaj Kinda Night...

Last night JB and I decided to go to karaoke. I knew I needed "music therapy" and it was good to be out having fun, not sitting around wondering just how I got to this place in my life again where I find myself alone right before a birthday.

The night started with a crazy phone call with RFG, talking about plans for the up coming renaissance faire, and Adam Lambert concert. Of course all phone calls with RFG are crazy so that's par for the course. I think he will probably be here that weekend, and that gives me something to look forward to. I need that right now to keep me positive. While I talked on the phone JB teased my hair, and I actually thought my hair looked cute, all curled and teased... until I went out into the wind. Fail!

We get to our usual Thursday night karaoke spot, and we get signed up, say hi to some friends, and get our table. KN our DJ/KJ was surprised to see me 2 weeks in a row. I told him that I suddenly found myself single, and he didn't look surprised. He has known CS for years, and told me that when CS was dating one of KN's friends he did the same type of things to her. (I will omit the details because "private lives are private"... oh wait... NOT ANYMORE they aren't!) I told KN... "what the hell man, could you not have told me this two years ago?" He said that I always seemed happy, and he had hoped that maybe CS had mellowed out since then. Apparently, not so much. This kind of left me with this weird mixed up feeling for the rest of the night - but that's going to have to be a separate blog post.

You know when you start the night talking to a biker looking guy named LANCE about how long it's been since he and JB had seen each other... and JB starts off by saying we used to have anal sex... it's just going to be a crazy night. (Disclaimer: they never had sex as far as I know - However she did tell me she likes Lance a lot... get it Lancelot... get it? TEE HEE)

I started the night singing "You're No Good" by Linda Rondstant. I love that song a lot, and it was the mood I was in. After JB and I sang our first round of songs, the crazies attacked! First there was an overly tan gentleman with crazy blonde Harpo Marx hair that wanted to commend our singing abilities and buy us a drink. I told Jen, that I am pretty sure we were just roofied, and we would end up like "walk of shame Barbie" from the week before. Thankfully Harpo left for the night, and I didn't pass out until I got home, so I think we were safe.

Shortly after we sang our second round of songs, a really excited girl comes over to us, and tells us that she got picked out of her group to do a karoke song. Ok why are you sharing this with us? She then goes on to explain that she is terrified of being in front of people... oh and she is from Michigan. I have no idea what Michigan had to do with her singing karaoke, but we suddenly became her cheerleaders. We told her not to worry, she was going to do fine - even if she was going to sing Lady Gaga - and we would be right here to clap for her when she was done. She had more energy than a toddler filled with a pixie stix! She tried to talk Jen into singing Little Wayne, which I am pretty sure would have started a riot. When JB said she wouldn't sing that, our new friend Amanda, thought maybe Nicki Manaj would be a better choice. What the hell? Nicki Minaj can't even sing... why would you want JB to try that? I may or may not have encouraged this behavior from our new friend by naming a Nicki Minaj song. Why do I even KNOW a name of a Nicki Minaj song? Seriously!? pretty soon one of her preppy, Docker(TM) clad gentleman friends came over to our table and told us he was going to sing Vanilla Ice. He promised that he would do the splits when he sang it, and that pretty much sold me thinking of the entertainment value of that alone. JB informed him that unless he was willing to fully commit to the song by shaving stripes on the side of his head, it probably wasn't a good idea! He did it anyway later in the night, which consisted of him dancing while the DJ sang it for him.  However at the appropriate time he did yell "Detroit Avenue!"... which made the table of Michiganders go crazy! Yes, he did do the splits!  I was just happy he didn't split his pants! When Amanda did get up and sing her tribute to my life... Bad Romance ... she was great! By great, I mean entertaining. She danced around, she had fun, and she didn't even sound horrible. JB and I felt proud that our little baby bird had flown out of her nest and hit the karaoke ground running. We were great mentors... even if it was just for a minute. She was so happy she hugged us both and told us that she loved us. We are now planning our next road trip to Michigan to hang with our preppy besties. Maybe.

JB and I continued to sing song within our theme "Screw you, you psychopath, hoarder, midget".  KN asked if I wanted to sing, "You outta know" by Alanis Morissette. I told him that was cliche. So JB and I did Lady Marmalade for our new besties from Michigan instead. I didn't want to overdo the angry man hater songs TOO much, and we knew they would throw all their shoes in a circle and dance around them. (obscure Dane Cook reference)

JB had a woman come up to her and give her money... just out of the blue. She didn't even request a song, she just paid her to sing again. JB would like everyone to know she is now officially a professional singer. Just imagine if she had a band?! As we left the bar a tranny named CeCe (Although I thought she looked like Nicki Minaj) grabbed JB's hand and made her sit next to her so she could tell her that she was a music producer from Bakersfield. (All the greats come out of Bako right?!) She told JB she had a lovely voice, and wanted her to call her so they could set up some studio time. I translated that into "basement time with a large black man who looks like a woman, who may or may not want to kill you".

We were sad that "Drunk Tom" wasn't there. I'm sure he is out discovering new talent for his uncle, who works for Warner Brothers. However, I am sure JB will still be a big star with CeCe's help. TGW will still get his 10%, and I will enjoy boating with Biff and Amanda on Lake Michigan while listening to Ice Ice Baby. 

Good Times! That is just what I needed!