Monday, June 18, 2007

Lots of Things...

So it's official summer vacation around here. My son graduated 6thgrade and will now be in Junior High school next year. My daughter will be in college. OMG. I feel about 100 years old now. Where did the years go? It doesn't seem strange seeing them growing up... it seems strange seeing ME get older. I'm not so ready for this. I don't feel like I am speeding towards 37 with a daughter in college. I feel like I am 27, and I should still be in college.

My recent bout with mortality has also brought on a new anxiety. Will I find Mr. Right before I am dead? BB and I decided (and when I say we I mean HE) decided that it would be better if weren't together. He has too many obligations to have a girlfriend in another country. I'm not sure if this is a permanent thing or not. He spoke of "down the road, when I have more time" and "hopefully I won't be too late". That made me feel better, and eased the shock of being dumped yet again, but the reality is... That was probably a nice, non confrontational way of breaking up with me as we still have the radio station together. I don't want it to be over because I do care for him a great deal. I don't want to go through the "getting to know" you again. I just started to learn how to trust someone again, and "the other shoe dropped" but.. I should have known. It always does. This time was different for me though. I didn't lock myself away eating cookies, and crying into my pillow in the middle of the floor. I didn't go into a major depression, and cry listening toMarillion songs over and over. I just kind of shrugged this off. Not because it doesn't hurt... it does. I guess I have just become so jaded that it's almost like I don't believe in true love anymore. I have too many people counting on me at the station to lose it. The station and the people that have put in all those hours depended on me not to fall apart and let it effect the station.

During this time of total "bummerness"... I have really learned who my true friends are. The ones that were there to check on me and make sure I wasn't eating cookies and crying. The ones that showed me how loved I am, and the ones who made me laugh instead of crying. The ones who played special songs and dedicated them to me on their radio show. The ones that showed me what blessings I have in my life.

It's too bad everyone can't experience that kind of friendship. It's too bad not everyone wants that. It's too bad some people are so into thinking people are out to get them, that they couldn't see the friendship they COULD have had. It's also a very sad thing when people have so much anger, hate, and hurt built up inside them that their only joy is to spew venom at those who have REALLY done NOTHING to them personally. I was that person once... but I'm not anymore. 

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