Thursday, June 27, 2013

A Little Redder Please...

Last night my best friend Jen and I decided that the change I so drastically needed was to take place. It was time for "operation hair color change". We had tried to change it on Saturday but it wasn't red enough. My hair is a very dark brown, and when you try and go to a red you have to do it via a certain process. One shade lighter is NOT going to do it. Why didn't someone tell me before we started this?! It was lighter, and sort of red, but not what I was looking for. So back to the beauty supply we went... After 45 minutes and me asking "should this be tingling?!" I ended up with something closer to the shade I wanted. It's still dark, but in the sun, it's definitely got the red I wanted.

Just another step back to the life I used to have, and back to being me.

Today's Soundtrack: Changes ~ David Bowie

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

I'm Back Bitches...

With even MORE glitter...

I am sitting here in my office and I can hear my coworkers laughing in the back office, and I realize my world hasn't ended. Life is going to go on. Just because this season of my life has ended, doesn't mean I am never going to be OK. Today I am feeling better about everything that has been happening lately. I know that it's going to be a process to completely get over the feeling that I was duped by someone who I thought was awesome. Change is never easy. CS was my best friend, our lives were enmeshed more than I realized, so a huge part of MY life has to change to adapt to the changes that we thrown upon me. Looking forward I have to focus on my new life, new relationships, and friends. With that comes a lot of time with old friends, doing things I did before CS was part of my life, and focusing on ME!

I have an amazing group of coworkers that make me want to come into work every day. I can vent, laugh, and cry with the girls here and even though I am the new kid here, they treat me like we have been friends forever. I feel like I am part of their family. It's a good fit, and I am blessed to have found this job when I did. I don't know what I would have done with myself if I had to go through all of these changes AND be unemployed too. Spending time with these people nine hours a day five days a week, you either want to rip their heads off or hug them... some days I want to do both. Today no one will have to die.

Focusing on getting back to who *I* was really helps me feel whole again too. I decided I needed to spice up my look a little bit, so I am doing away with the boring "natural" brown hair color. I am going to go for a dark cherry or plum color. You know, something NOT natural. Something a little more sexy. I have lost 10 pounds since all of this started and I am going back to walking around the lake in the evenings with DL. It's not only therapy, because I get to vent about everything but maybe I will lose some more weight. Lord knows I need help in that department. I guess maybe I should thank CS for being such a douche and jump starting my weight loss? Maybe tied to a rock, through his window... No!? Too much?

Last night I spent 4 hours on the phone with a friend, and it felt great. I didn't feel like I had to hold anything back. I just let go, and I was really able to just be myself. I was able to talk about things I love, and feel supported. It was a nice treat to be able to talk about myself, and not CS for a change.

I have a lot of great friends who have been there for me through all of this. They were all there BC (before CS) and the ones that really count are still here. I've always said, go through something horrible, and see who sticks around, and you find out who your REAL friends are.

Today's Theme Song: Cuckoo ~ Adam Lambert

Sunday, June 23, 2013

For Now, turns into "For-never"

It's early, there is a nice summer breeze outside, the birds are chirping, and I feel strangely calm about my life. I have some peace. I have some closure. Probably not the closure I was expecting, nor the closure I thought I wanted, but it was what I needed. God has a funny way of doing that doesn't he? Praise Jesus on this one! Change is so hard for me, but I survived another weekend where our friends were divided for an event and they chose CS. I'm glad they did, and I didn't expect any different. It was just hard to feel left out.

I had more confirmation this weekend of exactly who CS is. A mutual friend of mine and CS met me yesterday afternoon to talk about everything that had happened, and enlightened me on some things that I didn't know. I was shocked to find out that CS had referred to our relationship as "OK for now". I honestly don't know why I was shocked. I had heard so many things from people I trusted about how CS was with other women in his past, but I really believed he wasn't the cad everyone made him out to be. JB and I had many many discussions on why I was still dating a man who clearly wasn't satisfying me. I used to say that even on CS's worst day he was better than most men on their best, and he is always there for me and when we are together he treats me really well. That was all true. I have mixed feelings about all of this now. I want to be angry and pissed off at him for all the times he was angry at me for no reason. I want to be angry with him for making me out to be a fool. Everyone seemed to know that I was in some kind of "faux" relationship but me. However, if I am truly going to be honest with myself... and that is what this blog is about. I guess I always knew from that first new years eve. Things changed with us, and they never really went back to normal. They were good, but not great. He was good to me in a lot of ways, but sadly not in the ways someone you love is supposed to be. I want to hate him, but instead I find myself sad. Not for me though. I am sad because I don't think CS will ever truly be happy, because I am not sure he will ever let himself feel any kind of emotion. You can't just pick and chose what emotions you want your heart to feel. True passionate people can't do that, and I don't want to be with someone who has no passion. I don't want to be with someone who feels nothing. Again... that's not living, that's just existing.

I want someone for passion for God, music, and life! I want someone who will look at me and tell me that I am the most beautiful girl in the room, even when I'm not. I want someone who notices when I change my hair. I want someone who goes to sleep at night dreaming about me. I want someone to hold me when I have a bad day, and laugh with me when I have a good day. I want someone to hold my hand in public, and dance with me at weddings. I want someone to sit next to me during football games and at least pretend to hate USC. (Come on people an 8 clap once in awhile is not that hard!) I want someone to understand that families are not always perfect and tolerate mine just because they are mine. I want someone to text me first for a change. I want someone who will stand on the top of a mountain and tell the world how much he loves me. 

Private lives aren't private anymore!

I fought hard to make something out of nothing, and I really had a lot of hope that someday CS and I would make a real go of it. No one can ever say I didn't try hard enough, or I didn't give 110%. When I love, I love with my whole heart, and I did love CS in spite of all of his crazy. That's ok. I know I was a good... GREAT girlfriend even if I didn't know it was all pretend.

Today's song: Kiss and Tell - Adam Lambert

Friday, June 21, 2013

It's A Nicki Minaj Kinda Night...

Last night JB and I decided to go to karaoke. I knew I needed "music therapy" and it was good to be out having fun, not sitting around wondering just how I got to this place in my life again where I find myself alone right before a birthday.

The night started with a crazy phone call with RFG, talking about plans for the up coming renaissance faire, and Adam Lambert concert. Of course all phone calls with RFG are crazy so that's par for the course. I think he will probably be here that weekend, and that gives me something to look forward to. I need that right now to keep me positive. While I talked on the phone JB teased my hair, and I actually thought my hair looked cute, all curled and teased... until I went out into the wind. Fail!

We get to our usual Thursday night karaoke spot, and we get signed up, say hi to some friends, and get our table. KN our DJ/KJ was surprised to see me 2 weeks in a row. I told him that I suddenly found myself single, and he didn't look surprised. He has known CS for years, and told me that when CS was dating one of KN's friends he did the same type of things to her. (I will omit the details because "private lives are private"... oh wait... NOT ANYMORE they aren't!) I told KN... "what the hell man, could you not have told me this two years ago?" He said that I always seemed happy, and he had hoped that maybe CS had mellowed out since then. Apparently, not so much. This kind of left me with this weird mixed up feeling for the rest of the night - but that's going to have to be a separate blog post.

You know when you start the night talking to a biker looking guy named LANCE about how long it's been since he and JB had seen each other... and JB starts off by saying we used to have anal sex... it's just going to be a crazy night. (Disclaimer: they never had sex as far as I know - However she did tell me she likes Lance a lot... get it Lancelot... get it? TEE HEE)

I started the night singing "You're No Good" by Linda Rondstant. I love that song a lot, and it was the mood I was in. After JB and I sang our first round of songs, the crazies attacked! First there was an overly tan gentleman with crazy blonde Harpo Marx hair that wanted to commend our singing abilities and buy us a drink. I told Jen, that I am pretty sure we were just roofied, and we would end up like "walk of shame Barbie" from the week before. Thankfully Harpo left for the night, and I didn't pass out until I got home, so I think we were safe.

Shortly after we sang our second round of songs, a really excited girl comes over to us, and tells us that she got picked out of her group to do a karoke song. Ok why are you sharing this with us? She then goes on to explain that she is terrified of being in front of people... oh and she is from Michigan. I have no idea what Michigan had to do with her singing karaoke, but we suddenly became her cheerleaders. We told her not to worry, she was going to do fine - even if she was going to sing Lady Gaga - and we would be right here to clap for her when she was done. She had more energy than a toddler filled with a pixie stix! She tried to talk Jen into singing Little Wayne, which I am pretty sure would have started a riot. When JB said she wouldn't sing that, our new friend Amanda, thought maybe Nicki Manaj would be a better choice. What the hell? Nicki Minaj can't even sing... why would you want JB to try that? I may or may not have encouraged this behavior from our new friend by naming a Nicki Minaj song. Why do I even KNOW a name of a Nicki Minaj song? Seriously!? pretty soon one of her preppy, Docker(TM) clad gentleman friends came over to our table and told us he was going to sing Vanilla Ice. He promised that he would do the splits when he sang it, and that pretty much sold me thinking of the entertainment value of that alone. JB informed him that unless he was willing to fully commit to the song by shaving stripes on the side of his head, it probably wasn't a good idea! He did it anyway later in the night, which consisted of him dancing while the DJ sang it for him.  However at the appropriate time he did yell "Detroit Avenue!"... which made the table of Michiganders go crazy! Yes, he did do the splits!  I was just happy he didn't split his pants! When Amanda did get up and sing her tribute to my life... Bad Romance ... she was great! By great, I mean entertaining. She danced around, she had fun, and she didn't even sound horrible. JB and I felt proud that our little baby bird had flown out of her nest and hit the karaoke ground running. We were great mentors... even if it was just for a minute. She was so happy she hugged us both and told us that she loved us. We are now planning our next road trip to Michigan to hang with our preppy besties. Maybe.

JB and I continued to sing song within our theme "Screw you, you psychopath, hoarder, midget".  KN asked if I wanted to sing, "You outta know" by Alanis Morissette. I told him that was cliche. So JB and I did Lady Marmalade for our new besties from Michigan instead. I didn't want to overdo the angry man hater songs TOO much, and we knew they would throw all their shoes in a circle and dance around them. (obscure Dane Cook reference)

JB had a woman come up to her and give her money... just out of the blue. She didn't even request a song, she just paid her to sing again. JB would like everyone to know she is now officially a professional singer. Just imagine if she had a band?! As we left the bar a tranny named CeCe (Although I thought she looked like Nicki Minaj) grabbed JB's hand and made her sit next to her so she could tell her that she was a music producer from Bakersfield. (All the greats come out of Bako right?!) She told JB she had a lovely voice, and wanted her to call her so they could set up some studio time. I translated that into "basement time with a large black man who looks like a woman, who may or may not want to kill you".

We were sad that "Drunk Tom" wasn't there. I'm sure he is out discovering new talent for his uncle, who works for Warner Brothers. However, I am sure JB will still be a big star with CeCe's help. TGW will still get his 10%, and I will enjoy boating with Biff and Amanda on Lake Michigan while listening to Ice Ice Baby. 

Good Times! That is just what I needed!

Thursday, June 20, 2013

Please Return Your Seats To The Upright Position...

Me: Seriously?! F*$%&#@ Hoarder!
JB: So I see we have entered the angry portion of our program?
Me: Yes! Damn Midget!

Yesterday was a good day, a bad day, a good day(again), and finally ending with a night filled with nightmares and tossing and turning. just another typical day for me I guess. I don't know why I thought it would be any different.

Yesterday I thought I would give this closure thing another shot so I sent CS a text asking him if he wanted to meet up since I was going to be free. All day I didn't hear from him, so I figured I wouldn't. When I saw DL in the morning she had asked me to go walk around the lake like we used to. She had been wanting to go for a walk for weeks, and I kept saying I would, but the thought of walking right by CS's house made me cringe. She pointed out that we used to walk BC (before CS), and that was OUR lake, not his. He doesn't even like it, or walking for that matter so... screw him. I was going to go for the walk. I could do this! My dog will be happy, and maybe just maybe my ass won't be so big if I go back to boozercise. As we walked past his house, I felt a twinge of pain, and my heart started racing thinking about all that I put into that house when he moved in, and then I thought, what am I more sad about? Losing CS or the use of the lake-house? Ask me today, and I guess I would say the lake house. DL and I walked, and talked like we used to, call it lake therapy, call it girlfriend time... whatever it was... I needed it.

JB and I met at my house so we could grab some sushi for dinner. I told her that I had sent CS a text and how angry I was that he couldn't grow a pair and have a conversation with me. That's when she pointed out that I had probably entered the anger stage of grief. Good! I need to be pissed off. I need to stop feeling hurt, and sad over something that may or may not have been as great as I thought it was. That may also be the anger talking, but if it gets me through the day... it's what I need to do.

Last night I had a conversation with "The Grand Wizard". Oh yeah, that's your blog name - deal with it! I will call him TGW for short. I am glad I called. He made me think about a lot of things. He doesn't know CS, or really even me very well, so it was nice to get a non-jaded outsider's perspective on things. He told me he thought the reason that this all was bothering me so much is because I am out of control of the situation, and he is right. I let CS have all the power in and OUT of this relationship. We talked about a lot of other things, and I felt better that we had talked. I am glad TGW and I are friends, and I hope we stay that way. I could use his wizardly wisdom.

As I laid there awake in the wee small hours of the morning (please enjoy that Sinatra reference) I thought about a lot of things. How I suppressed a part of my personality while I was with CS. I stopped coloring my hair "unnatural colors". I stopped wearing so much bling and glitter because I thought I was somehow "classier". I stopped hanging out with people who he didn't like, thinking maybe he had a point about them. I even missed a pirate faire this year to go to a wine festival! I followed him around to all of his events, and when it came time to go to things that I enjoyed, he wouldn't go. He never once went to a UCLA football game with me... or even watched a game with me on TV, yet I supported his precious NFL team. In the grand scheme of things those aren't huge things. They may not even matter to anyone but me, but they DO matter. I don't want to make him sound like a complete cad, he was really great to me most all of the time, and we did have a lot of fun. He was there for the really important stuff, and when I needed a shoulder, he was ALWAYS there. It's just easier to think about the not so great stuff right now.

When I saw DL this morning, I told her what had happened last night, and she said maybe CS being douchey is a good thing. It will help you get through the sad days. I have a feeling she is right.

Stay douchey my friend! Stay douchey!

Monday, June 17, 2013

Once Again...

I am sitting here in tears over CS. I never blogged about the amazing wonderful times, because I wasn't really blogging back then consistently and I was too busy having a great time. I guess I am back. I hate to admit it, but I still love CS. The hardest part is the "love part". I wish I could turn it off. I wish I could flip a switch and just magically be O.K. with the fact that he has hurt me, and is still hurting me as I type this. I wish that I could get over him somehow if he plans on making this "done thing" stick. 

I was happy! I finally got a great job that I enjoy, and co-workers that I enjoy. I started weight watchers again. My son was graduating, and I was getting out of this financial hole that I had been digging for the last year... why did the rug get ripped out from under me yet again?

A few ago we were out at happy hour with some friends, and who should walk in and sit behind us? The guy that fired me. He sat with a group of his friends and I didn't really notice him until I turned around. At that point he must have seen me, because the next part of the story would shatter my world. Ex-Boss sent over a round of shots to our table. CS told the waiter that if they were from Ex-Bosses table he could take them back and fuck off. I will spare the details, but there were words exchanged, and it got to the point where ex boss' stupid friends got involved and there were more words exchanged. Luckily there was no actual violence, but I almost wish there was to make it all worth it. At the end of all of it I went to ex boss and told him we were cool. We aren't. I hate him. He has ruined my life. He fired me for no reason. I suffered humiliation, my credit was ruined when I had to default on my credit cards, and he sabotaged me getting a lot of jobs that I applied for by telling people not to hire me.... and now this. However, my son still works there, and frankly I didn't want any more drama for him. I thought I was doing the right thing. I guess at the end of the day, I wasn't. Not only does my son still have drama, but now I have lost someone that I thought was my best friend. I feel like I will never be the same.

I came back to our table and CS looked at me and said,

"We are done. Don't call me, don't text me, don't email me for the rest of your life"

He got a ride home with someone else, and I stood there looking around the room. Everyone in the place was staring at me, and looking at me with pity. I was humiliated. I was scared that he was serious, and I was in shock. I grabbed my purse and my keys and I walked out the door and completely lost it outside next to my car. I sobbed for the humiliation that I felt, but also for the fact that I felt like I had just lost my whole world. I was right...

My world has changed in the following weeks. I watched my son graduate without the one person I wanted to be there the most. He said he had a meeting that day, but I wonder if he just chose not to come because of me. I don't know if he wasn't being honest, but I guess it doesn't really matter WHY he wasn't there at this point. My son was sad because he didn't come. I was devastated that he couldn't be there. Humiliated in front of my friends and family yet again because he had led me to believe he would be there. I couldn't even enjoy my son's party. We got home from graduation, and there was a card waiting in the door. The card was from CS, for my son. It was a graduation card with money in it, and any other time I would have thought how nice, but this time I knew it was just another way for him to hurt me. He knew that when I saw that I would be devastated... and he was right. The actress that I am, did what I was taught. I pretended to have fun, and be happy. I pasted on a smile, and worked the room like a pro. However, when everyone left that day I sobbed on the couch. Partially because my baby was all grown up and would someday be off on his own, and because I had a hole the size of Kansas in my heart. I couldn't hold it back anymore. I just let it all go. I hadn't really done that since the first night. There were days that I would be ok at first because I thought everything would be OK  He would "magically" just talk to me like the last time. He hadn't told me to come get my things, and he wasn't ugly to me anymore. I guess I just thought that meant eventually we would be OK. When he didn't come around like last time I started moving on. I was getting better. I thought we were going to turn a corner and at least be friends. When he didn't come to graduation, it all changed for me.I didn't so much miss the romantic part of the relationship as much as I missed my friend. He was my best friend... or so I thought.  JB sat with me and we talked, and I told her just how much this is bothering me. She just looked at me with pity.

I can't eat very much, I can't sleep, and my body is revolting against me. Today I woke up dizzy, and sick to my stomach. It stayed with me all day, and it really hasn't gotten much better. I am hoping that it's just stress, but I don't know. What if it is something worse? I am just going through the motions of life. I am not going out and doing anything anymore. I am not having fun as much as I used to. I am just existing. I don't want to spend the rest of my life like this. I can't.