Sunday, June 23, 2013

For Now, turns into "For-never"

It's early, there is a nice summer breeze outside, the birds are chirping, and I feel strangely calm about my life. I have some peace. I have some closure. Probably not the closure I was expecting, nor the closure I thought I wanted, but it was what I needed. God has a funny way of doing that doesn't he? Praise Jesus on this one! Change is so hard for me, but I survived another weekend where our friends were divided for an event and they chose CS. I'm glad they did, and I didn't expect any different. It was just hard to feel left out.

I had more confirmation this weekend of exactly who CS is. A mutual friend of mine and CS met me yesterday afternoon to talk about everything that had happened, and enlightened me on some things that I didn't know. I was shocked to find out that CS had referred to our relationship as "OK for now". I honestly don't know why I was shocked. I had heard so many things from people I trusted about how CS was with other women in his past, but I really believed he wasn't the cad everyone made him out to be. JB and I had many many discussions on why I was still dating a man who clearly wasn't satisfying me. I used to say that even on CS's worst day he was better than most men on their best, and he is always there for me and when we are together he treats me really well. That was all true. I have mixed feelings about all of this now. I want to be angry and pissed off at him for all the times he was angry at me for no reason. I want to be angry with him for making me out to be a fool. Everyone seemed to know that I was in some kind of "faux" relationship but me. However, if I am truly going to be honest with myself... and that is what this blog is about. I guess I always knew from that first new years eve. Things changed with us, and they never really went back to normal. They were good, but not great. He was good to me in a lot of ways, but sadly not in the ways someone you love is supposed to be. I want to hate him, but instead I find myself sad. Not for me though. I am sad because I don't think CS will ever truly be happy, because I am not sure he will ever let himself feel any kind of emotion. You can't just pick and chose what emotions you want your heart to feel. True passionate people can't do that, and I don't want to be with someone who has no passion. I don't want to be with someone who feels nothing. Again... that's not living, that's just existing.

I want someone for passion for God, music, and life! I want someone who will look at me and tell me that I am the most beautiful girl in the room, even when I'm not. I want someone who notices when I change my hair. I want someone who goes to sleep at night dreaming about me. I want someone to hold me when I have a bad day, and laugh with me when I have a good day. I want someone to hold my hand in public, and dance with me at weddings. I want someone to sit next to me during football games and at least pretend to hate USC. (Come on people an 8 clap once in awhile is not that hard!) I want someone to understand that families are not always perfect and tolerate mine just because they are mine. I want someone to text me first for a change. I want someone who will stand on the top of a mountain and tell the world how much he loves me. 

Private lives aren't private anymore!

I fought hard to make something out of nothing, and I really had a lot of hope that someday CS and I would make a real go of it. No one can ever say I didn't try hard enough, or I didn't give 110%. When I love, I love with my whole heart, and I did love CS in spite of all of his crazy. That's ok. I know I was a good... GREAT girlfriend even if I didn't know it was all pretend.

Today's song: Kiss and Tell - Adam Lambert

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