Thursday, August 22, 2013

Movin' On Up!

The Crazy Town Diaries has moved! 
I have my own domain so now you have to read all about my crazy at the link below!

Monday, July 8, 2013

Why can't stormy skies, psycho guys, and rainy days, stop following me...

Music can evoke so many feelings. It can make us cry, it can make us angry, it can make us smile, and laugh. Music is such a huge part of my life. I listen to it daily. I sing daily, and sometimes I even write. Not that I think I will be an amazing song writer some day, but it's just another way to express my feelings. I can still remember what was playing the last dance of my junior high graduation, and I can't ever hear that song, and not think of that night. There will always be songs that make me think of Wild Hare, and all the times I would jump up and dance when they played The Jackson Five. The way I would feel when Eddie would play Down Stream by Supertramp will always make me smile.

Adam Lambert's new album Trespassinghas gotten me through more than a few days of pain. Well, that and wine... OK MOSTLY wine, but his album AND wine, that's good stuff! I am able to be angry, glittery, dancey, poppy, and silly, and there is no one there to say it's not OK. Because it IS OK damn it! It makes me sing loud. It makes me dance in my livingroom. It makes me blow out the speakers in my car. I can relate to the lyrics. Thank you Adam for being you, and glittery! I *heart* you! I am so excited to be seeing him in concert in just a few short weeks.

Megan Joy...OMG her performance of "Longing" (In The Video Above) not only makes me weep, but also give me strength. I think she is just so beautiful. Maybe it's where I am in my life, but I can so relate to this song, and "Rainclouds. It's almost like she wrote this album just for me! If it were a record I would have worn it out by now.

I miss records. I miss how it would feel in your hand and the popping sound it make as you laid the needle down on it. I miss listening to a song over and over while I read all the liner notes, and gazed into the eyes of the artist on the cover. I would always imagine what it would be like to have my own album, and what I would call it. What would I wear on the cover, and would it be sad or fun? I will probably never know what that feels like, but I will always have that dream.

What are some of your favorite albums, singers, or songs? What memories do the bring back for you?

Sunday, July 7, 2013

Get Out Of My Head!

Last night was a setback. I was unnerved by something I had seen on the internet that made me think everything CS had ever said or done was a lie. Most likely I am right. However, I shouldn't have let it get to me the way that it did. I can't let those thoughts consume me. Blogging helped but now my blog has turned into this depressing rant of how miserable I am... that does no one any good, and I am sure my readers are bored to tears.

Moving forward today I got up, got dressed at met Coffee Girl for a mile walk around the lake. It was hot, and dirty, and my legs feel like jello. However, It felt great! I feel so much better than I did last night. It's amazing what a little walk will do for you. I will most likely have to get into a gym at some point but for now these are baby steps. A mile today. Maybe by next Sunday I can do two miles?

Today I am going to take my measurements, and take a "before" picture. That shouldn't be depressing AT ALL! *sigh*

Saturday, July 6, 2013

What If?

What if everything I thought I knew was all a lie? What if everything I fell in love with wasn't real? What if the person I loved never existed?

Would it make getting over him easier? Would I be able to trust anyone ever again?    

Would I be able to trust MYSELF ever again?

When the only man you have ever trusted one hundred percent  leaves the way he did, it tends to make you second guess everything.

Friday, July 5, 2013

A Make Over...

It's not just my blog that is going through a makeover. It's also me. My body, my soul, my life, and the people I choose to keep in it, and the ones that I let go of for the sake of my emotional health.

I am finding out, that when you go through a breakup as devastating as mine was to me, that your life has to go through changes. It's forced change. It's hard and it's not fun. It's almost debilitating. However, it is necessary. There were days in the beginning that I didn't want to get out of bed. Now I get up every day. That's an achievement. It's a small one, but one nonetheless. There were days when I would cry uncontrollably for hours at a time. I still get sad when I think about something that we used to do together, but the days of immense sorrow are gone. I need to reflect back on where I was a few weeks ago and remember how far I have come, and also how far I need to go.

It's been a month since I decided to start this journey of change. That's when I started blogging again to go along with it. In that month I have watched my son graduate from high school, lost 11 pounds, changed my hair color, started updating my blog, and found out who the people are in my life that I can always count on. That includes new friends I have made. Some of those people don't even know how much they do to get me through a day with just some simple words on a screen. However, I am grateful. 

There will be more changes. I am going to blog about losing weight. I want to be able to look back on this entry a year from now and see all the progress I have made. I am going to stay on Weight Watchers, and keep trying doing Zumba and walking on a regular basis.

Thank you to those of you who have stayed on board for this journey. It's only going to get better!

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Tuesday, July 2, 2013

Another Birthday...

As some of my readers know, I am not exactly fond of my birthday. I reference the reasons I hate it here. Every year I hate it a little more. Now, along with the typical "I'm not doing anything fun for my birthday" that I have come to expect, I also have the fact that I am single again.  I am getting older, with a few more wrinkles too.

Once again I felt the mass amounts of dread as my birthday approached. Thursday I was a blubbering hormonal mess. I didn't want to go sing karaoke with Jen, I just wanted to lay in bed and have a pity party. I sobbed and sobbed so much my eyes hurt. I sobbed for all the loss I had experienced in the last months. I was missing my grandmother, who had passed away in February, I was missing CS. I was missing all of the friends we had together, and I was mourning plans that we had made for my birthday that I knew would never happen. I was in a serious funk and I felt like I wasn't ever going to get out of it. Jen forced me to go out that night, which helped a little, but the next day it was all back. Funkville. Which, by the way is not as cool as Funkytown!

I agreed to go over to Morro Bay with some friends on Sunday. Jen and her boyfriend "Mohawk" met me at my house and we met another friend and had lunch on the Embarcadero. The whether was very nice, the meal was great, but I was miserable. Even copious amounts of salt water taffy and brown butter cookies couldn't make me happy. I just felt like everything was "off".

R& S wanted to get together for dinner for my birthday, but I just couldn't do it. I haven't been able to hang out with both of them without CS. It's too hard. It reminds me of all the fun we used to have as a foursome, and I just feel like it would be insanely awkward to be the third wheel along with them. I'm not ready to go out with them, and it makes me sad. I want to be strong enough to say fuck it.... these are my friends too, but I am just not there... yet! They were never my friends, and they were never his friends, they were "our" friends, so I know they feel like they have to pick only one of us when there is an event. It just sucks that he always gets picked. I wish we could be friendly so no one would have to make that kind of choice at all.

When I got to work yesterday they had decorated my office for my birthday, and made me wear a tiara, and they even gave me a magic wand. They all sang happy birthday and provided cake for me, and everyone else. I was so touched by the amount of love from my crew for someone they had only known for a short few months that I almost burst into tears. Then of course it was one of those moments that made me think... wow people I have only known for a few months did this for me, and DoucheyMcDouchey pants can't even say Happy Birthday? It made me angry again, and that got me through the day until i got home.

There it was, a neatly wrapped present with pink polka dots sitting on my doorstep when I got home. I froze. Who would leave a package on my door step? It had my name on it, but no card. As I picked up the gift I recognized the writing... Oh Jesus! This cannot be.... I tore a piece of the paper back and looked inside. It was this huge book that was a vault of all things UCLA football, with memorabilia from the past, and all kinds of great stories, and pictures. I stared at the package like it was a ghost. I dropped it to the floor and stood there crying. I knew it was from CS the minute I saw what it was. My stomach lurched, and I suddenly felt like I was going to throw up. I picked up my phone and sent him a text asking him if he had left something on my doorstep. His reply was short...

"Yes. Happy Birthday"

Fuck YOU CS for telling me happy birthday after your soul crushing actions over the last weeks. My birthday sucks, it always does, and YOU ruined it even more by running out of my life with no explanation right before my birthday. Fuck you for bringing me a gift and acting like it's the nicest thing in the world, and everyone should think you are awesome! YOU ruined what little joy I had yesterday because I spent the night sobbing and confused because you bought me something for my birthday but couldn't face me to give it to me!!! If you are so done with me... stop it! Stop coming back around just when I start to feel better and make me think you care... cause I know you don't in my head, but my heart just gets all confused again. Oh and for someone who was in a relationship with someone that was "ok for now" you sure knew exactly what to buy her for her birthday.

Yep. That's what I wanted to say... but I didn't. I just said thank you for the gift and remembering my birthday. It was a sad little text, and it got no reply, as I expected. However, somehow being nice to him, even though he hasn't been, felt really good.

I ended up going to bed and having nightmares all night. I couldn't sleep much. I tossed and turned  I woke up this morning thinking...

 Yes another birthday over. THANK GOD!

Thursday, June 27, 2013

A Little Redder Please...

Last night my best friend Jen and I decided that the change I so drastically needed was to take place. It was time for "operation hair color change". We had tried to change it on Saturday but it wasn't red enough. My hair is a very dark brown, and when you try and go to a red you have to do it via a certain process. One shade lighter is NOT going to do it. Why didn't someone tell me before we started this?! It was lighter, and sort of red, but not what I was looking for. So back to the beauty supply we went... After 45 minutes and me asking "should this be tingling?!" I ended up with something closer to the shade I wanted. It's still dark, but in the sun, it's definitely got the red I wanted.

Just another step back to the life I used to have, and back to being me.

Today's Soundtrack: Changes ~ David Bowie

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

I'm Back Bitches...

With even MORE glitter...

I am sitting here in my office and I can hear my coworkers laughing in the back office, and I realize my world hasn't ended. Life is going to go on. Just because this season of my life has ended, doesn't mean I am never going to be OK. Today I am feeling better about everything that has been happening lately. I know that it's going to be a process to completely get over the feeling that I was duped by someone who I thought was awesome. Change is never easy. CS was my best friend, our lives were enmeshed more than I realized, so a huge part of MY life has to change to adapt to the changes that we thrown upon me. Looking forward I have to focus on my new life, new relationships, and friends. With that comes a lot of time with old friends, doing things I did before CS was part of my life, and focusing on ME!

I have an amazing group of coworkers that make me want to come into work every day. I can vent, laugh, and cry with the girls here and even though I am the new kid here, they treat me like we have been friends forever. I feel like I am part of their family. It's a good fit, and I am blessed to have found this job when I did. I don't know what I would have done with myself if I had to go through all of these changes AND be unemployed too. Spending time with these people nine hours a day five days a week, you either want to rip their heads off or hug them... some days I want to do both. Today no one will have to die.

Focusing on getting back to who *I* was really helps me feel whole again too. I decided I needed to spice up my look a little bit, so I am doing away with the boring "natural" brown hair color. I am going to go for a dark cherry or plum color. You know, something NOT natural. Something a little more sexy. I have lost 10 pounds since all of this started and I am going back to walking around the lake in the evenings with DL. It's not only therapy, because I get to vent about everything but maybe I will lose some more weight. Lord knows I need help in that department. I guess maybe I should thank CS for being such a douche and jump starting my weight loss? Maybe tied to a rock, through his window... No!? Too much?

Last night I spent 4 hours on the phone with a friend, and it felt great. I didn't feel like I had to hold anything back. I just let go, and I was really able to just be myself. I was able to talk about things I love, and feel supported. It was a nice treat to be able to talk about myself, and not CS for a change.

I have a lot of great friends who have been there for me through all of this. They were all there BC (before CS) and the ones that really count are still here. I've always said, go through something horrible, and see who sticks around, and you find out who your REAL friends are.

Today's Theme Song: Cuckoo ~ Adam Lambert

Sunday, June 23, 2013

For Now, turns into "For-never"

It's early, there is a nice summer breeze outside, the birds are chirping, and I feel strangely calm about my life. I have some peace. I have some closure. Probably not the closure I was expecting, nor the closure I thought I wanted, but it was what I needed. God has a funny way of doing that doesn't he? Praise Jesus on this one! Change is so hard for me, but I survived another weekend where our friends were divided for an event and they chose CS. I'm glad they did, and I didn't expect any different. It was just hard to feel left out.

I had more confirmation this weekend of exactly who CS is. A mutual friend of mine and CS met me yesterday afternoon to talk about everything that had happened, and enlightened me on some things that I didn't know. I was shocked to find out that CS had referred to our relationship as "OK for now". I honestly don't know why I was shocked. I had heard so many things from people I trusted about how CS was with other women in his past, but I really believed he wasn't the cad everyone made him out to be. JB and I had many many discussions on why I was still dating a man who clearly wasn't satisfying me. I used to say that even on CS's worst day he was better than most men on their best, and he is always there for me and when we are together he treats me really well. That was all true. I have mixed feelings about all of this now. I want to be angry and pissed off at him for all the times he was angry at me for no reason. I want to be angry with him for making me out to be a fool. Everyone seemed to know that I was in some kind of "faux" relationship but me. However, if I am truly going to be honest with myself... and that is what this blog is about. I guess I always knew from that first new years eve. Things changed with us, and they never really went back to normal. They were good, but not great. He was good to me in a lot of ways, but sadly not in the ways someone you love is supposed to be. I want to hate him, but instead I find myself sad. Not for me though. I am sad because I don't think CS will ever truly be happy, because I am not sure he will ever let himself feel any kind of emotion. You can't just pick and chose what emotions you want your heart to feel. True passionate people can't do that, and I don't want to be with someone who has no passion. I don't want to be with someone who feels nothing. Again... that's not living, that's just existing.

I want someone for passion for God, music, and life! I want someone who will look at me and tell me that I am the most beautiful girl in the room, even when I'm not. I want someone who notices when I change my hair. I want someone who goes to sleep at night dreaming about me. I want someone to hold me when I have a bad day, and laugh with me when I have a good day. I want someone to hold my hand in public, and dance with me at weddings. I want someone to sit next to me during football games and at least pretend to hate USC. (Come on people an 8 clap once in awhile is not that hard!) I want someone to understand that families are not always perfect and tolerate mine just because they are mine. I want someone to text me first for a change. I want someone who will stand on the top of a mountain and tell the world how much he loves me. 

Private lives aren't private anymore!

I fought hard to make something out of nothing, and I really had a lot of hope that someday CS and I would make a real go of it. No one can ever say I didn't try hard enough, or I didn't give 110%. When I love, I love with my whole heart, and I did love CS in spite of all of his crazy. That's ok. I know I was a good... GREAT girlfriend even if I didn't know it was all pretend.

Today's song: Kiss and Tell - Adam Lambert

Friday, June 21, 2013

It's A Nicki Minaj Kinda Night...

Last night JB and I decided to go to karaoke. I knew I needed "music therapy" and it was good to be out having fun, not sitting around wondering just how I got to this place in my life again where I find myself alone right before a birthday.

The night started with a crazy phone call with RFG, talking about plans for the up coming renaissance faire, and Adam Lambert concert. Of course all phone calls with RFG are crazy so that's par for the course. I think he will probably be here that weekend, and that gives me something to look forward to. I need that right now to keep me positive. While I talked on the phone JB teased my hair, and I actually thought my hair looked cute, all curled and teased... until I went out into the wind. Fail!

We get to our usual Thursday night karaoke spot, and we get signed up, say hi to some friends, and get our table. KN our DJ/KJ was surprised to see me 2 weeks in a row. I told him that I suddenly found myself single, and he didn't look surprised. He has known CS for years, and told me that when CS was dating one of KN's friends he did the same type of things to her. (I will omit the details because "private lives are private"... oh wait... NOT ANYMORE they aren't!) I told KN... "what the hell man, could you not have told me this two years ago?" He said that I always seemed happy, and he had hoped that maybe CS had mellowed out since then. Apparently, not so much. This kind of left me with this weird mixed up feeling for the rest of the night - but that's going to have to be a separate blog post.

You know when you start the night talking to a biker looking guy named LANCE about how long it's been since he and JB had seen each other... and JB starts off by saying we used to have anal sex... it's just going to be a crazy night. (Disclaimer: they never had sex as far as I know - However she did tell me she likes Lance a lot... get it Lancelot... get it? TEE HEE)

I started the night singing "You're No Good" by Linda Rondstant. I love that song a lot, and it was the mood I was in. After JB and I sang our first round of songs, the crazies attacked! First there was an overly tan gentleman with crazy blonde Harpo Marx hair that wanted to commend our singing abilities and buy us a drink. I told Jen, that I am pretty sure we were just roofied, and we would end up like "walk of shame Barbie" from the week before. Thankfully Harpo left for the night, and I didn't pass out until I got home, so I think we were safe.

Shortly after we sang our second round of songs, a really excited girl comes over to us, and tells us that she got picked out of her group to do a karoke song. Ok why are you sharing this with us? She then goes on to explain that she is terrified of being in front of people... oh and she is from Michigan. I have no idea what Michigan had to do with her singing karaoke, but we suddenly became her cheerleaders. We told her not to worry, she was going to do fine - even if she was going to sing Lady Gaga - and we would be right here to clap for her when she was done. She had more energy than a toddler filled with a pixie stix! She tried to talk Jen into singing Little Wayne, which I am pretty sure would have started a riot. When JB said she wouldn't sing that, our new friend Amanda, thought maybe Nicki Manaj would be a better choice. What the hell? Nicki Minaj can't even sing... why would you want JB to try that? I may or may not have encouraged this behavior from our new friend by naming a Nicki Minaj song. Why do I even KNOW a name of a Nicki Minaj song? Seriously!? pretty soon one of her preppy, Docker(TM) clad gentleman friends came over to our table and told us he was going to sing Vanilla Ice. He promised that he would do the splits when he sang it, and that pretty much sold me thinking of the entertainment value of that alone. JB informed him that unless he was willing to fully commit to the song by shaving stripes on the side of his head, it probably wasn't a good idea! He did it anyway later in the night, which consisted of him dancing while the DJ sang it for him.  However at the appropriate time he did yell "Detroit Avenue!"... which made the table of Michiganders go crazy! Yes, he did do the splits!  I was just happy he didn't split his pants! When Amanda did get up and sing her tribute to my life... Bad Romance ... she was great! By great, I mean entertaining. She danced around, she had fun, and she didn't even sound horrible. JB and I felt proud that our little baby bird had flown out of her nest and hit the karaoke ground running. We were great mentors... even if it was just for a minute. She was so happy she hugged us both and told us that she loved us. We are now planning our next road trip to Michigan to hang with our preppy besties. Maybe.

JB and I continued to sing song within our theme "Screw you, you psychopath, hoarder, midget".  KN asked if I wanted to sing, "You outta know" by Alanis Morissette. I told him that was cliche. So JB and I did Lady Marmalade for our new besties from Michigan instead. I didn't want to overdo the angry man hater songs TOO much, and we knew they would throw all their shoes in a circle and dance around them. (obscure Dane Cook reference)

JB had a woman come up to her and give her money... just out of the blue. She didn't even request a song, she just paid her to sing again. JB would like everyone to know she is now officially a professional singer. Just imagine if she had a band?! As we left the bar a tranny named CeCe (Although I thought she looked like Nicki Minaj) grabbed JB's hand and made her sit next to her so she could tell her that she was a music producer from Bakersfield. (All the greats come out of Bako right?!) She told JB she had a lovely voice, and wanted her to call her so they could set up some studio time. I translated that into "basement time with a large black man who looks like a woman, who may or may not want to kill you".

We were sad that "Drunk Tom" wasn't there. I'm sure he is out discovering new talent for his uncle, who works for Warner Brothers. However, I am sure JB will still be a big star with CeCe's help. TGW will still get his 10%, and I will enjoy boating with Biff and Amanda on Lake Michigan while listening to Ice Ice Baby. 

Good Times! That is just what I needed!

Thursday, June 20, 2013

Please Return Your Seats To The Upright Position...

Me: Seriously?! F*$%&#@ Hoarder!
JB: So I see we have entered the angry portion of our program?
Me: Yes! Damn Midget!

Yesterday was a good day, a bad day, a good day(again), and finally ending with a night filled with nightmares and tossing and turning. just another typical day for me I guess. I don't know why I thought it would be any different.

Yesterday I thought I would give this closure thing another shot so I sent CS a text asking him if he wanted to meet up since I was going to be free. All day I didn't hear from him, so I figured I wouldn't. When I saw DL in the morning she had asked me to go walk around the lake like we used to. She had been wanting to go for a walk for weeks, and I kept saying I would, but the thought of walking right by CS's house made me cringe. She pointed out that we used to walk BC (before CS), and that was OUR lake, not his. He doesn't even like it, or walking for that matter so... screw him. I was going to go for the walk. I could do this! My dog will be happy, and maybe just maybe my ass won't be so big if I go back to boozercise. As we walked past his house, I felt a twinge of pain, and my heart started racing thinking about all that I put into that house when he moved in, and then I thought, what am I more sad about? Losing CS or the use of the lake-house? Ask me today, and I guess I would say the lake house. DL and I walked, and talked like we used to, call it lake therapy, call it girlfriend time... whatever it was... I needed it.

JB and I met at my house so we could grab some sushi for dinner. I told her that I had sent CS a text and how angry I was that he couldn't grow a pair and have a conversation with me. That's when she pointed out that I had probably entered the anger stage of grief. Good! I need to be pissed off. I need to stop feeling hurt, and sad over something that may or may not have been as great as I thought it was. That may also be the anger talking, but if it gets me through the day... it's what I need to do.

Last night I had a conversation with "The Grand Wizard". Oh yeah, that's your blog name - deal with it! I will call him TGW for short. I am glad I called. He made me think about a lot of things. He doesn't know CS, or really even me very well, so it was nice to get a non-jaded outsider's perspective on things. He told me he thought the reason that this all was bothering me so much is because I am out of control of the situation, and he is right. I let CS have all the power in and OUT of this relationship. We talked about a lot of other things, and I felt better that we had talked. I am glad TGW and I are friends, and I hope we stay that way. I could use his wizardly wisdom.

As I laid there awake in the wee small hours of the morning (please enjoy that Sinatra reference) I thought about a lot of things. How I suppressed a part of my personality while I was with CS. I stopped coloring my hair "unnatural colors". I stopped wearing so much bling and glitter because I thought I was somehow "classier". I stopped hanging out with people who he didn't like, thinking maybe he had a point about them. I even missed a pirate faire this year to go to a wine festival! I followed him around to all of his events, and when it came time to go to things that I enjoyed, he wouldn't go. He never once went to a UCLA football game with me... or even watched a game with me on TV, yet I supported his precious NFL team. In the grand scheme of things those aren't huge things. They may not even matter to anyone but me, but they DO matter. I don't want to make him sound like a complete cad, he was really great to me most all of the time, and we did have a lot of fun. He was there for the really important stuff, and when I needed a shoulder, he was ALWAYS there. It's just easier to think about the not so great stuff right now.

When I saw DL this morning, I told her what had happened last night, and she said maybe CS being douchey is a good thing. It will help you get through the sad days. I have a feeling she is right.

Stay douchey my friend! Stay douchey!

Monday, June 17, 2013

Once Again...

I am sitting here in tears over CS. I never blogged about the amazing wonderful times, because I wasn't really blogging back then consistently and I was too busy having a great time. I guess I am back. I hate to admit it, but I still love CS. The hardest part is the "love part". I wish I could turn it off. I wish I could flip a switch and just magically be O.K. with the fact that he has hurt me, and is still hurting me as I type this. I wish that I could get over him somehow if he plans on making this "done thing" stick. 

I was happy! I finally got a great job that I enjoy, and co-workers that I enjoy. I started weight watchers again. My son was graduating, and I was getting out of this financial hole that I had been digging for the last year... why did the rug get ripped out from under me yet again?

A few ago we were out at happy hour with some friends, and who should walk in and sit behind us? The guy that fired me. He sat with a group of his friends and I didn't really notice him until I turned around. At that point he must have seen me, because the next part of the story would shatter my world. Ex-Boss sent over a round of shots to our table. CS told the waiter that if they were from Ex-Bosses table he could take them back and fuck off. I will spare the details, but there were words exchanged, and it got to the point where ex boss' stupid friends got involved and there were more words exchanged. Luckily there was no actual violence, but I almost wish there was to make it all worth it. At the end of all of it I went to ex boss and told him we were cool. We aren't. I hate him. He has ruined my life. He fired me for no reason. I suffered humiliation, my credit was ruined when I had to default on my credit cards, and he sabotaged me getting a lot of jobs that I applied for by telling people not to hire me.... and now this. However, my son still works there, and frankly I didn't want any more drama for him. I thought I was doing the right thing. I guess at the end of the day, I wasn't. Not only does my son still have drama, but now I have lost someone that I thought was my best friend. I feel like I will never be the same.

I came back to our table and CS looked at me and said,

"We are done. Don't call me, don't text me, don't email me for the rest of your life"

He got a ride home with someone else, and I stood there looking around the room. Everyone in the place was staring at me, and looking at me with pity. I was humiliated. I was scared that he was serious, and I was in shock. I grabbed my purse and my keys and I walked out the door and completely lost it outside next to my car. I sobbed for the humiliation that I felt, but also for the fact that I felt like I had just lost my whole world. I was right...

My world has changed in the following weeks. I watched my son graduate without the one person I wanted to be there the most. He said he had a meeting that day, but I wonder if he just chose not to come because of me. I don't know if he wasn't being honest, but I guess it doesn't really matter WHY he wasn't there at this point. My son was sad because he didn't come. I was devastated that he couldn't be there. Humiliated in front of my friends and family yet again because he had led me to believe he would be there. I couldn't even enjoy my son's party. We got home from graduation, and there was a card waiting in the door. The card was from CS, for my son. It was a graduation card with money in it, and any other time I would have thought how nice, but this time I knew it was just another way for him to hurt me. He knew that when I saw that I would be devastated... and he was right. The actress that I am, did what I was taught. I pretended to have fun, and be happy. I pasted on a smile, and worked the room like a pro. However, when everyone left that day I sobbed on the couch. Partially because my baby was all grown up and would someday be off on his own, and because I had a hole the size of Kansas in my heart. I couldn't hold it back anymore. I just let it all go. I hadn't really done that since the first night. There were days that I would be ok at first because I thought everything would be OK  He would "magically" just talk to me like the last time. He hadn't told me to come get my things, and he wasn't ugly to me anymore. I guess I just thought that meant eventually we would be OK. When he didn't come around like last time I started moving on. I was getting better. I thought we were going to turn a corner and at least be friends. When he didn't come to graduation, it all changed for me.I didn't so much miss the romantic part of the relationship as much as I missed my friend. He was my best friend... or so I thought.  JB sat with me and we talked, and I told her just how much this is bothering me. She just looked at me with pity.

I can't eat very much, I can't sleep, and my body is revolting against me. Today I woke up dizzy, and sick to my stomach. It stayed with me all day, and it really hasn't gotten much better. I am hoping that it's just stress, but I don't know. What if it is something worse? I am just going through the motions of life. I am not going out and doing anything anymore. I am not having fun as much as I used to. I am just existing. I don't want to spend the rest of my life like this. I can't. 

Thursday, February 7, 2013

Microfiber Goodness!

In my quest to be more self sustainable, and "green" I have started changing the way I clean, cook, and generally live. I will feature different products on my blog that *I* have used, and let you know what *I* think about them. Think of it as a review from one mom to another, from one girlfriend to another, or one rocking chick who happens to love wine, to another?! You decide.
I admit it, before I discovered these little microfiber gems of magic cleaning goodness I used old cloth diaper, T-shirts, old dish towels and bar cloths to clean. You still can, but once you try these you may re purpose your old cleaning rags! A friend told me about microfiber and I haven’t looked back since. If you haven’t tried these, you must! A few reasons why I *heart* microfiber should be enough to convince you, right? You purchase, or make less cleaning products, which means less chemicals in your families home! You use less paper products, and you spend less time cleaning!
Before I start let me say do not go super cheap on these. The dollar store will have them, but they aren’t as good as a package of better ones. They last for a long time, so the money you save in the future on cleaning supplies and paper products will be a nice return on your investment. For The Cleaning Fairy I use different colored cloths so as not to cross contaminate when I clean. I suggest getting into that habit and always use the same colors for the same task so you don’t accidentally grab the bathroom one to wipe down your kitchen counters. Ewww! Maintenance on these little grippers is easy peasey too. All you have to do is toss them in the laundry with your towels. I wash them in hot water, and if I can, I hang mine to dry to save energy and help prolong the life of my cloths.
I rarely use glass cleaner, furniture polish, or shower cleaners when I use these. There is no need! I can dry dust with one, and it leaves the furniture clean, and the microfiber holds all the dust in the cloth. I can also mop with these. I use one on my swiffer instead of using the refills that you can buy in the store. You can either dry mop with them to collect dust and pet hair on hard wood floors, or use them wet. I sometimes will just use them dry with my spray bottle of vinegar and water solution to mop, because I like the disinfecting results of vinegar. When I do any type of glass, I wet half of my microfiber cloth and clean the glass, and dry with the other half. They have amazing absorbency  and don’t leave streaks. Showers are a little more work, but once you get your tub/shower cleaned up and sparkling clean, taking a microfiber cloth with a little vinegar and water solution to your tub once a week should keep it clean with very little effort.

You can buy these in bulk at Costco, and Sam’s club, or you can buy the ones I use HERE!
Have you tried microfiber? Do you have other uses for them? Let me know in the comments!

Thursday, January 31, 2013

I Love To Mop!

I know I know what you are thinking. I have had too much wine again, and now I am drunk blogging! I would never rarely do that!

Here is the story. My girlfriend who cleans houses was raving about just how great her client's steam mop was, and how it didn't bother her to mop anymore. I thought, how could mopping be great? How can she enjoy this? Well I raved about it so much to my mother, that she went out and got one. She raved and raved about it so much that *I* ended up with one as a gift. Can I say, how much I usually hate practical gifts like banana hangers (yes that really happened) and robes. However, this little green gem has not only saved my hours of bending over breaking my back, and having to replace the swiffer pads all the time, but my floors are so clean! Back before my steam mop of delight, I would spend an hour just mopping three floors in my house with a swiffer and vinegar and water. I would walk on the floor and it would still feel dirty to me. I thought ok how great is this steamy thingumabob?

I mopped like I usually do, and then I mopped with my new steam mop! O M G! There was so much brown on the mop pad after I was done, that I was shocked! My floors sparkle, and feel so clean now! I have only used the carpet steam pad once when something was spilled on the carpet... I'm not saying it was wine, but it could have been. It cleaned it right up.

My 17 year old son actually asked me the other day if he could use the steam mop. So it must be some kind of magic steam coming out of there, right? How else could I get a teenager to clean without paying him? He told me anytime I needed the floor clean he would do it since it was so easy.

Maybe this is all a dream, and I am going to wake up... maybe not. No matter where you get your steam mop, or which one you get, just make sure you get one. It cleans, and sanitizes icky floors, and I know your floors are icky! I can see them behind you! I have provided a link to the steamy little friend I got just in case you want one like mine! You know you do! :)

Happy Cleaning!