Thursday, August 22, 2013

Movin' On Up!

The Crazy Town Diaries has moved! 
I have my own domain so now you have to read all about my crazy at the link below!

Monday, July 8, 2013

Why can't stormy skies, psycho guys, and rainy days, stop following me...

Music can evoke so many feelings. It can make us cry, it can make us angry, it can make us smile, and laugh. Music is such a huge part of my life. I listen to it daily. I sing daily, and sometimes I even write. Not that I think I will be an amazing song writer some day, but it's just another way to express my feelings. I can still remember what was playing the last dance of my junior high graduation, and I can't ever hear that song, and not think of that night. There will always be songs that make me think of Wild Hare, and all the times I would jump up and dance when they played The Jackson Five. The way I would feel when Eddie would play Down Stream by Supertramp will always make me smile.

Adam Lambert's new album Trespassinghas gotten me through more than a few days of pain. Well, that and wine... OK MOSTLY wine, but his album AND wine, that's good stuff! I am able to be angry, glittery, dancey, poppy, and silly, and there is no one there to say it's not OK. Because it IS OK damn it! It makes me sing loud. It makes me dance in my livingroom. It makes me blow out the speakers in my car. I can relate to the lyrics. Thank you Adam for being you, and glittery! I *heart* you! I am so excited to be seeing him in concert in just a few short weeks.

Megan Joy...OMG her performance of "Longing" (In The Video Above) not only makes me weep, but also give me strength. I think she is just so beautiful. Maybe it's where I am in my life, but I can so relate to this song, and "Rainclouds. It's almost like she wrote this album just for me! If it were a record I would have worn it out by now.

I miss records. I miss how it would feel in your hand and the popping sound it make as you laid the needle down on it. I miss listening to a song over and over while I read all the liner notes, and gazed into the eyes of the artist on the cover. I would always imagine what it would be like to have my own album, and what I would call it. What would I wear on the cover, and would it be sad or fun? I will probably never know what that feels like, but I will always have that dream.

What are some of your favorite albums, singers, or songs? What memories do the bring back for you?

Sunday, July 7, 2013

Get Out Of My Head!

Last night was a setback. I was unnerved by something I had seen on the internet that made me think everything CS had ever said or done was a lie. Most likely I am right. However, I shouldn't have let it get to me the way that it did. I can't let those thoughts consume me. Blogging helped but now my blog has turned into this depressing rant of how miserable I am... that does no one any good, and I am sure my readers are bored to tears.

Moving forward today I got up, got dressed at met Coffee Girl for a mile walk around the lake. It was hot, and dirty, and my legs feel like jello. However, It felt great! I feel so much better than I did last night. It's amazing what a little walk will do for you. I will most likely have to get into a gym at some point but for now these are baby steps. A mile today. Maybe by next Sunday I can do two miles?

Today I am going to take my measurements, and take a "before" picture. That shouldn't be depressing AT ALL! *sigh*

Saturday, July 6, 2013

What If?

What if everything I thought I knew was all a lie? What if everything I fell in love with wasn't real? What if the person I loved never existed?

Would it make getting over him easier? Would I be able to trust anyone ever again?    

Would I be able to trust MYSELF ever again?

When the only man you have ever trusted one hundred percent  leaves the way he did, it tends to make you second guess everything.

Friday, July 5, 2013

A Make Over...

It's not just my blog that is going through a makeover. It's also me. My body, my soul, my life, and the people I choose to keep in it, and the ones that I let go of for the sake of my emotional health.

I am finding out, that when you go through a breakup as devastating as mine was to me, that your life has to go through changes. It's forced change. It's hard and it's not fun. It's almost debilitating. However, it is necessary. There were days in the beginning that I didn't want to get out of bed. Now I get up every day. That's an achievement. It's a small one, but one nonetheless. There were days when I would cry uncontrollably for hours at a time. I still get sad when I think about something that we used to do together, but the days of immense sorrow are gone. I need to reflect back on where I was a few weeks ago and remember how far I have come, and also how far I need to go.

It's been a month since I decided to start this journey of change. That's when I started blogging again to go along with it. In that month I have watched my son graduate from high school, lost 11 pounds, changed my hair color, started updating my blog, and found out who the people are in my life that I can always count on. That includes new friends I have made. Some of those people don't even know how much they do to get me through a day with just some simple words on a screen. However, I am grateful. 

There will be more changes. I am going to blog about losing weight. I want to be able to look back on this entry a year from now and see all the progress I have made. I am going to stay on Weight Watchers, and keep trying doing Zumba and walking on a regular basis.

Thank you to those of you who have stayed on board for this journey. It's only going to get better!

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Tuesday, July 2, 2013

Another Birthday...

As some of my readers know, I am not exactly fond of my birthday. I reference the reasons I hate it here. Every year I hate it a little more. Now, along with the typical "I'm not doing anything fun for my birthday" that I have come to expect, I also have the fact that I am single again.  I am getting older, with a few more wrinkles too.

Once again I felt the mass amounts of dread as my birthday approached. Thursday I was a blubbering hormonal mess. I didn't want to go sing karaoke with Jen, I just wanted to lay in bed and have a pity party. I sobbed and sobbed so much my eyes hurt. I sobbed for all the loss I had experienced in the last months. I was missing my grandmother, who had passed away in February, I was missing CS. I was missing all of the friends we had together, and I was mourning plans that we had made for my birthday that I knew would never happen. I was in a serious funk and I felt like I wasn't ever going to get out of it. Jen forced me to go out that night, which helped a little, but the next day it was all back. Funkville. Which, by the way is not as cool as Funkytown!

I agreed to go over to Morro Bay with some friends on Sunday. Jen and her boyfriend "Mohawk" met me at my house and we met another friend and had lunch on the Embarcadero. The whether was very nice, the meal was great, but I was miserable. Even copious amounts of salt water taffy and brown butter cookies couldn't make me happy. I just felt like everything was "off".

R& S wanted to get together for dinner for my birthday, but I just couldn't do it. I haven't been able to hang out with both of them without CS. It's too hard. It reminds me of all the fun we used to have as a foursome, and I just feel like it would be insanely awkward to be the third wheel along with them. I'm not ready to go out with them, and it makes me sad. I want to be strong enough to say fuck it.... these are my friends too, but I am just not there... yet! They were never my friends, and they were never his friends, they were "our" friends, so I know they feel like they have to pick only one of us when there is an event. It just sucks that he always gets picked. I wish we could be friendly so no one would have to make that kind of choice at all.

When I got to work yesterday they had decorated my office for my birthday, and made me wear a tiara, and they even gave me a magic wand. They all sang happy birthday and provided cake for me, and everyone else. I was so touched by the amount of love from my crew for someone they had only known for a short few months that I almost burst into tears. Then of course it was one of those moments that made me think... wow people I have only known for a few months did this for me, and DoucheyMcDouchey pants can't even say Happy Birthday? It made me angry again, and that got me through the day until i got home.

There it was, a neatly wrapped present with pink polka dots sitting on my doorstep when I got home. I froze. Who would leave a package on my door step? It had my name on it, but no card. As I picked up the gift I recognized the writing... Oh Jesus! This cannot be.... I tore a piece of the paper back and looked inside. It was this huge book that was a vault of all things UCLA football, with memorabilia from the past, and all kinds of great stories, and pictures. I stared at the package like it was a ghost. I dropped it to the floor and stood there crying. I knew it was from CS the minute I saw what it was. My stomach lurched, and I suddenly felt like I was going to throw up. I picked up my phone and sent him a text asking him if he had left something on my doorstep. His reply was short...

"Yes. Happy Birthday"

Fuck YOU CS for telling me happy birthday after your soul crushing actions over the last weeks. My birthday sucks, it always does, and YOU ruined it even more by running out of my life with no explanation right before my birthday. Fuck you for bringing me a gift and acting like it's the nicest thing in the world, and everyone should think you are awesome! YOU ruined what little joy I had yesterday because I spent the night sobbing and confused because you bought me something for my birthday but couldn't face me to give it to me!!! If you are so done with me... stop it! Stop coming back around just when I start to feel better and make me think you care... cause I know you don't in my head, but my heart just gets all confused again. Oh and for someone who was in a relationship with someone that was "ok for now" you sure knew exactly what to buy her for her birthday.

Yep. That's what I wanted to say... but I didn't. I just said thank you for the gift and remembering my birthday. It was a sad little text, and it got no reply, as I expected. However, somehow being nice to him, even though he hasn't been, felt really good.

I ended up going to bed and having nightmares all night. I couldn't sleep much. I tossed and turned  I woke up this morning thinking...

 Yes another birthday over. THANK GOD!