Monday, January 30, 2012

It's Been A While...

It's been a few days since I wrote. Things just kind of got away from me and I didn't feel like I needed to write. I guess that's good, since I mostly write when I am upset.

I did end up getting fired, even though my boss had no proof that I did anything. He felt like he couldn't trust me. It's hard feeling like this. It's had KNOWING you didn't do anything wrong, and losing a job over it. I guess I feel sort of defeated after this last week. I feel like God is closing this door for a reason, and now I just have to hope I figure out what it is sooner rather than later. I'll get through it. I have amazing people in my life who will help me.

I have done a lot of organizing and cleaning since this all happened. I am having an "out with the old in with the new" kind of season in my life. I cleaned out clothes that I don't wear and I am going to donate them. I cleaned out most of the crap in my pantry so I am not tempted to sit around crying while gobbling peanut butter cups. I cleaned out all of the frozen plants in my back yard so when it warms up again I can plant some new ones. I even cleaned a few people off my Facebook that I don't need in my life. Tomorrow I am going to start on the upstairs. My bedroom, and bathroom, and linen closet need some help. I look forward to getting up and being able to do what ever I want during the day, for now. It's my mini vacation and I am going to make the most of it.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Things Happen For A Reason...

Do They? Do they really happen for a reason or is that just something we all say to make ourselves feel better about the crappy stuff that happen to us in life?

Yesterday and today were so bad, and yet I was able to find some good in it. Actually I was able to find some great. I guess you really find out who your friends are when things go south in your life. I mean I found out pretty quick who was going to be there for me when it all went to pooh after new years eve, but this is different.

Yesterday my boss accused me of stealing from work. I would to say I was more shocked and hurt than pissed off, but I was all of the above. I didn't do this. I am guilty of not catching mistakes, and making mistakes, but I didn't steal from that company. I loved working there, and I had a great job, I wouldn't risk that for a few extra bucks. He suspended me today, and I haven't heard from him, so I figure that he will fire me tomorrow. I could see it in his eyes that he didn't believe me, and I think that hurt worse than losing my job, because I thought of him as a friend as well.

When all of this happened, I text CS. I told him what was going on and he called me. He hates talking on the phone, so this did mean a lot to me. I explained to him what had happened, and he told me not to worry because everything would be alright. He called back a few minutes and asked me if I needed him to come over. I agreed and we had some wine and talked and watched TV till midnight. He truly made me feel better about everything and I was able to get some sleep.This morning he text me that he was thinking good thoughts for me today. I guess maybe I was right about him? I guess maybe he is a good guy after all? He showed me a really supporting caring side that I have yet to see from him. It was nice. After I got suspended I called him, and he stayed on the phone with me as long as I needed it. This afternoon he checked on me on his way to and from a rehearsal, and tonight he brought a movie over to watch. When he left he told me no matter what happens, don't let anyone fuck with you, because you are better than that. He kissed me and then told me goodnight.

When I closed the door I started to cry. I'm crying now. I don't know if I am crying because of what CS said or the situation at work. Maybe a combination of both. I want to be able to be joyful about the way things are going with CS, but I know with this cloud over me I can't really be. I understand what he was feeling a few months ago, and it makes me sad. I want us both to have the things in life we need in order to be able to enjoy the things we have.

My son told me today that God had brought CS into my life, and I was blessed for having him... A wise son indeed.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

You Just Never Know...

You just never know who is going to be on the other end of the phone when you answer it sometimes.

I answered the phone at work today to find my ex boyfriend Max on the other end of the line. My first thought was, what the hell? My next thought was... so you deleted my number and this is how you track me down stalker?

He called me back on my cell phone when I got home from work. It was weird. He asked me all about how I had been and then told me I broke his heart and he missed me. I reminded him, that after we started seeing either other, and got close, he moved away. He stopped talking to me shortly after that because he got mad at me for not being able to come see him all the time. Hello? You live 6 hours from me!?

He said he was in going to be in town and want to see me. I told him about CS. I wanted him to know I was happy. I wanted him to know that my heart belonged to CS. I wanted to call CS and tell him what had happened. I wanted him to know that I couldn't even think about seeing anyone but him. I wanted to tell him he was the only one for me. However I knew that not only would he not really care if I was talking to Max, he probably would be freaked out by my declaration of emotions. So instead I just come here and blog them onto this digital diary. I will lock them up and carry them with me until CS is ready for them. I really wanted to see CS tonight. I sure could have used a hug.

Monday, January 16, 2012

And Then...

It's Magically OK. Or so it seems.

Friday night I went to see CS play at Sinatras. I was not sure how things would be, but when I got there he smiled and seemed glad to see me. I was there by myself, as the usual posse of folks that came to see him were not there. That's ok I didn't need the competition for his attention. It was a great night, and everything seemed to be magically all better.

The end of the night CS came over to my house, and we had champagne and talked until 5am. We talked about his music, his future at the radio station, and even a bit about new years eve. Things seemed to flow, and I was able to just be myself and super honest with him. I was able to say things I was never able to say, and something seemed to click that maybe we were not such a bad idea together after all. Before he left he kissed me, and I thought my heart would just burst right out of my chest.

Saturday night was just as good. Fun, light, and magic, just like it had been before all the new years eve drama. Sunday he asked me if I wanted to do brunch and we enjoyed a warm Sunday afternoon together, eating and shopping.

I was back. I was in. I was going to be ok. Life is good!

Friday, January 13, 2012

What A Difference A Day Makes...

Tonight night I got dressed up and  out with JB for a night of karaoke. I thought it might do my heart good to sing. I knew that I could let all my emotions just pour out of me through song and I would feel better.That's what music is to me. It can take you up or down. It can make you laugh and cry and rage like an animal. It's passion. I needed that.

I text CS and let him know we would be there if he wanted to come down. I didn't really think he would but I was sure hoping. About an hour later he showed up, and he hugged me and kissed me on the cheek. I was so shocked, and happy I almost cried. I kept looking at JB with a look of OH MY GOSH! She just smiled at me and laughed.The night went very well. It was almost normal. At the end of the night he told me he would be playing at a gig I had been to before if I wanted to come out. I was so elated. He kissed me on the cheek, gave me a big hug and was gone. I couldn't believe it. How did this happen? I didn't care. I was glad. I slept like a baby.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

A Week Ago Today...

A week ago today I was none the wiser. I was in agony, not knowing if CS would talk to me again or not, but at least I didn't know how indifferent he was about me. It's hard to look back on the last 4 months and not think where did i go wrong? It's hard to think that I thought we were a great match in so many ways, and yet, he didn't?

Today my friend JB and I talked. We hadn't talked at all since NYE, and she didn't know what had happened with CS and I. She made a comment about how she hoped it would work out since she liked CS and she thought we were a good match in a lot of ways. This made me sad. Not because I thought she was wrong, but because I feel like if this doesn't work out then I may never find another man like him.

I am depressed. I didn't walk around the lake today with DL, and I made bad food choices for dinner. I find myself sitting here watching TV alone, wondering if CS is doing something fun, and does he miss me?

I know that I miss him.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

I'm Too Tired...

I have been up since 5am. I am tired and hungry, and I just wan to crawl into a nice warm bed and snuggle my UCLA pillow pet, and my dog. I really just want to put all this behind me at least for one night.

I text CS yesterday to wish him good luck on a job opportunity he had today and he was very nice when he replied. I told him to let me know how it goes and left it alone. I wanted to text him and ask this afternoon but I resisted. Around 1 he text me and let me know the job was his if he wanted it. I was happy for him and told him as much. We had a little bit of small talk over the rest of the afternoon, and it was nice, and funny, and it seemed "normal" again. Is it? probably not... but right now I am too emotionally and physically drained to care.

No tears today. I just don't have any today. Check back with me tomorrow though... *sigh*

Monday, January 9, 2012

If You Don't Put Them On A Pedestal...

So here it is Monday, and I am not done crying over CS apparently. One week later and you would think I would feel better. Perhaps I still have some tears left in my head after all.

A friend told me that if you don't put people on a pedestal they can't disappoint you when they fall down. I think that is sage advice. For 10 years I knew CS from a distance. I watched him in plays, I listened to him every morning on the radio, and I would go listen to him sing when he sang in a band. I thought he was the greatest. I was his biggest fan, and I secretly had this crush on him for all these years. I never told anyone, because I knew it was silly. I thought I never had a chance with someone like that. He was always so nice to me, and would always give me a hug and a kiss on the cheek when he saw me, but I thought he was some how above me. A star. A local star, but a star none the less, and I was just a chubby dispatcher at a towing company, and before that a manager at a moving company. I couldn't talk about theater or wine, or anything classy. I put him on such a pedestal that when this all happened it's like all the glitter just turned to dust. When we started seeing each other I felt like I was walking on a cloud. I finally got the chance to date CS! I was always nervous and afraid he would think I was such a nit wit. I realized early on that he was very down to earth and actually preferred dive bars to wine bars. I think we spent more time at Applebees sharing nachos than any other place in the county. I was relieved when I found out that he was just a regular guy. This only made me adore him even more.

I guess I built him up so big in my mind for the last few years that when this all fell apart on Friday, it felt like a decade, not just the last 4 months of my life had all been fake. When I walked away Friday, I was hurt. Was I hurt because of the words he said or was I hurt because the fantasy in my mind didn't turn out to be real? Was I only feeling the loss of a dream never realized? I think it was a combination of all of these things.

I have started to grieve more for the things in my life that didn't happen as I age. I grieve for the house I never owned. The husband I never had when I was young enough to enjoy building a new life with someone. The father's that my children should have had, will never come to pass. The career I should have had, and the education I should have finished. All these things I realize at 41, are gone. I can't have a redo, or a rewind. I have to take the rest of my life and do what I can with it now. Make the best of it before it's too late.

So as I sit here tonight wondering if CS will ever forgive what doesn't need to be forgiven, and I wonder if I can ever truly forgive him for what he put me through the last week I reflect on loss in my past, and how I will deal with it in my future.

Saturday, January 7, 2012

It's Over...

This is the only place I can admit it. I feel like if I write it out and read it over and over maybe I will be able to admit it to myself. Just typing those words "It's Over." Makes me burst into tears. It makes my heart ache for something I never had.

I finally heard from CS on Wednesday night. He text me with a message about how he had some of my things and he still wasn't sure how he felt about the way I reacted the other night. I asked if I could call him and he said No, he didn't want to talk... My heart sank, but I replied with what I thought was a nice reply, and I left him alone, until last night. I asked him if he wanted to go out and get dinner, and four hours later he replied. He said that he was meeting the girls (some of his friends) for happy hour and I could meet him there if I wanted. I was so excited. I thought that meant everything was going to be OK.

I got there and hugged the girls, but when CS didn't get up and give me a hug and a kiss, I knew something was wrong. He had bought me a drink already, and pushed it towards me. I laughed and joked, and tried to keep the conversation light, but it seemed like he was in pain just sitting next to me. I knew things were not back to normal. I had no idea that normal had been gone for a long time. The girls left and we had another drink at the bar, but again, he seemed like he just didn't want to be there. He gave me a ride to my car and handed me my stuff, and just sat in the car. In the 4.5 months we have been dating he has never once, not walked me to my car, gave me a hug, and a kiss. I said "Can I have a hug?" He said yeah, I'll hug you. and started to hug me in the car... I said I'm sorry I just don't know how to react, this is weird for me... It all went down hill from there.

I don't want to write about what happened next. I don't want to relive the pain. I can feel the bile welling up in my stomach just thinking about how much he hurt me, but I have to. I have to put it here so I can come back and read it, and remember that he isn't this wonderful man that I thought he was. I have to remember that he is broken, and damaged. I have to remember that he has had too many people break his spirit and heart and he has become o.k. with not feeling anything at all. I have to remember that even though no one has ever treated me as good as he did, no one has ever hurt me as badly as he did last night either.

I didn't want to get into a heavy conversation, and I tried to keep it light, but he said he still didn't know how he felt about they way I reacted on New Year's Eve. He told me when he left my house that morning, he had nothing to say to me. He said he wouldn't have minded if we had never talked again. I asked him, if he was serious, and he looked at me very matter of factual and said yes. I felt like I had been kicked in the stomach. I asked him why he invited me out tonight, and he said... "I don't know. I felt bad for you." More shock. More hurt. I repeated it back to him, and in the moment I just thought, do I seem that fragile that you have to "endure" seeing me tonight? He said "I was dreading seeing you tonight" I just looked at him, and shook my head. I couldn't believe those words were coming from THAT man. I couldn't believe that the person that I thought was such a gentleman, could say such horrible things to someone. He went on to clarify that he meant because he was afraid we would have this conversation. It was too late. The damage was done. The words had been spoken and I knew what they meant. I asked him if he thought he wanted to see me again, and he said "I don't know" He told me he doesn't  have the patience for this kind of thing right now. This kind of thing? Life? You mean reality and life? I didn't say the words I wanted to say. I wanted to lash out at him and hurt him and make him feel like he made me feel. I didn't. I didn't even cry. I just sat there stoic, thinking how could this be happening? I don't know why I kept asking questions. I should have ran away when the first sting of the conversation hit, but I didn't. I just kept thinking if you never want to see me again, perhaps now would be a good time to tell me, but he didn't, so I grasped on to that hope yet again.

When I started to leave the car I hugged him, and kissed him on the cheek. I took his hand and squeezed it and said that I wasn't giving up so soon on this. I told him that I believed that he was still a great person, and I still wanted to see him, and unless he told me he was done, I wasn't. I told him I wanted my glitter back. He squeezed my hand back, and before I left the car I turned back to look at him, and his eyes were wet. I just said "I'll text you later" and he said "Ok".

ok with never talking to you again. The man said he doesn't forgive easily. The man said that he was dreading seeing you! At that moment in time, half way home, I lost it. I cried and cried and cried and cried. I cried for all the days I wondered why he wasn't calling me. I cried for all the days and nights I spent caring about a man, who didn't seem to care about me. I cried for the loss of friends that I had made through him, that I would have to give up. I cried grieving the loss of things I would never do with him. I cried because I was again fooled by a man into believing that someday I would have my fairy tale ending.

I called RFG. I was hoping he would be awake, or sober enough to just listen. I wasn't ready to call my girlfriends, because I knew once they heard what he had said they wouldn't let me even contemplate seeing him again, and I wasn't ready to hear that. It's always easier to believe that there is a glimmer of hope. It's something to hang on to while you try and figure out how to go through each day without the person you had grown to adore. RFG was great. He listened while I sobbed uncontrollably in his ear. He made me laugh when I needed to and at the end of the conversation he made me feel wanted by saying "So you are on the market again?" in a suggestive way. This is twice now he has been there to pick up the pieces when a relationship goes south. I don't know what I would have done had he not answered the phone. I guess I would have just left some crazy rambling message. The best part about it, is that no matter how crazy my messages ever get, he always calls me back. He doesn't care if I am myself. He still loves me.

When I started seeing CS I told my daughter, he is my kryptonite, and if this doesn't work this could break my heart pretty badly. I was right. I am broken again. I think it would be easier to just retreat into a cave again. I think it would be easier to just not feel anything than to try and ever find love. I think it would be easier to just run away and give up. However, that is exactly what CS did to me. That is why I am sitting here crying again. He had someone in his life who would give him the moon and stars, and love him like there is no one else on earth He had unconditional adoration. He ran away the minute it got real. He didn't want it to be real, and messy like life is. He doesn't want to live. He s happy just existing. That's not life. That's death. I will not be like that. I refuse.

I will get through this...

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

This Is Getting Old...

I should be happy. I should be excited about all the possibilities of a new year. I'm not. With each day I don't hear from CS I go a little further into a funk. I don't even know if something bad has happened to him.

Part of my thinks, well if I haven't heard from him, then he's probably not "breaking up" with me, for lack of a better term. Then part of me thinks... why would he not talk to me? He knows I am worried, I did call him and tell him. Why can't he just text me and say he needs space, or worse he hates me. Of course I don't want to hear any of those words. It would make me feel worse than I do, but at least I would be able to heal, grieve, and start to move on. The way I feel now I am just floating through the day hoping that someone won't mention his name for fear I will just lose it.

I had no idea how much I cared about him. I had no idea how much he changed my life (for the good) until I felt like it could all be taken away. This isn't what I wanted. I loved the way it was. I loved the fun, and the new experiences. I loved how he brought so much joy and laughter to my life. I am not willing to let that go. I don't want that to end. I want my friend back. I want CS back.

I will get through this day!

Monday, January 2, 2012

Today Was Rough...

Today just kind of sucked. I got up and had no calls or texts from CS. I felt like I had been kicked in the stomach. I got ready to go to work and face the "How Was Your New Years Eve?" questions. I got to Starbucks just as DL was leaving. I told her what had happened, and she said we need to walk tonight around the lake and that will make me feel better. I got to work and I talked about the dress, the band, the food, and my friends. I pretended like nothing was wrong. I felt like I was lying.

Then it got worse. We had evidence locked down in our storage. Over the weekend we had towed in a fatal. Someone had lost their child, their friend, maybe their brother or grandson because they got into a car with someone who was drinking, and didn't wear their seat belt. I know that it's horrible but it suddenly made my life seem not so bad. I had a moment alone in the office and I found myself crying. I don't know if I was crying for the family that lost their son, or myself. Either way the day just kind of dragged on like I could burst into tears at any moment.

I met DL at the lake and we walked, and talked, and talked and talked. We talked about what I want, what I have, what she wants, what she has, or doesn't have. We talked about joining a gym. We talked about me drinking less wine in the future. We talked about my fears and insecurities, and it felt great just to get it all out, and feel validated for being a silly girl. I don't feel as bad as I did all day. I feel like I have hope.

Something inside me has been broken, and I guess it helps with the things I want to change about myself. I didn't look at the car from the fatal. I didn't feel like I needed to. I will probably cry for the family tonight when I go to bed... and you know what?

That's OK... I am OK.

Sunday, January 1, 2012

Happy New Year...

So Much has happened since the last time I wrote. I'm not sure why I haven't been writing. I guess I just thought, I'll do it tomorrow, and then one day it WAS tomorrow. It's a new year, and I have things I want to work on like everyone else. Aside from the usual eat better, lose weight, and walk more I also want to be a better mom, a better friend, a better daughter, and better girlfriend if given the chance.

I guess what I am trying to say is in the last 4 months I have had someone in my life that has shown me just how much I really need to grow and change. My self confidence issue has reoccurred a couple of times in that time span, and I just don't know why or where it comes from, but I want to fix it. I don't want to feel insecure about my talent as a singer. I don't want to be measured by that talent either. When I first started hanging out with CS I always referred to myself as just a karaoke singer. I'm not. I have talent. I CAN sing. That habit of calling myself that was broken. Done and done.

I used to measure my talent on how many contests I won, or how many times a night someone told me I should be on American Idol. I used to feel like that was what I needed. It's not anymore. I guess being validated by someone with as much talent as CS even once was what I needed to hear to start believing in myself. I have had an opportunity in the past four months to meet, and spend time with a lot of really talented people. I adore most of them. I feel like CS has really let me into his world by introducing me to these people, and I feel like my life is richer for it. I guess I should have told him that more last year.

I also want to work on being a nicer person in general. I don't want to be Mother Teresa, but I guess I would like to be less catty, and judgemental. CS introduced me to one of his Friends JM. At first you want to take this lady to the beauty parlor and make her over. I know that's what I wanted to do... but now I am able to look past all of that and get to know the person. I never thought I would say this but I truly like JM! I feel like I have made a friend, not just someone that tolerates me presence because I am with CS. What other people have I missed adding to my life because of my snobbishness? No more...

The last 5 months of 2011 was honestly filled with so much joy for me, CS brought so many things to my world that I never could have experienced. I shared so much laughter and moments of fun with him, and I hope that 2012 is just as great.

Soundtrack: Auld Lang Syne