Saturday, January 7, 2012

It's Over...

This is the only place I can admit it. I feel like if I write it out and read it over and over maybe I will be able to admit it to myself. Just typing those words "It's Over." Makes me burst into tears. It makes my heart ache for something I never had.

I finally heard from CS on Wednesday night. He text me with a message about how he had some of my things and he still wasn't sure how he felt about the way I reacted the other night. I asked if I could call him and he said No, he didn't want to talk... My heart sank, but I replied with what I thought was a nice reply, and I left him alone, until last night. I asked him if he wanted to go out and get dinner, and four hours later he replied. He said that he was meeting the girls (some of his friends) for happy hour and I could meet him there if I wanted. I was so excited. I thought that meant everything was going to be OK.

I got there and hugged the girls, but when CS didn't get up and give me a hug and a kiss, I knew something was wrong. He had bought me a drink already, and pushed it towards me. I laughed and joked, and tried to keep the conversation light, but it seemed like he was in pain just sitting next to me. I knew things were not back to normal. I had no idea that normal had been gone for a long time. The girls left and we had another drink at the bar, but again, he seemed like he just didn't want to be there. He gave me a ride to my car and handed me my stuff, and just sat in the car. In the 4.5 months we have been dating he has never once, not walked me to my car, gave me a hug, and a kiss. I said "Can I have a hug?" He said yeah, I'll hug you. and started to hug me in the car... I said I'm sorry I just don't know how to react, this is weird for me... It all went down hill from there.

I don't want to write about what happened next. I don't want to relive the pain. I can feel the bile welling up in my stomach just thinking about how much he hurt me, but I have to. I have to put it here so I can come back and read it, and remember that he isn't this wonderful man that I thought he was. I have to remember that he is broken, and damaged. I have to remember that he has had too many people break his spirit and heart and he has become o.k. with not feeling anything at all. I have to remember that even though no one has ever treated me as good as he did, no one has ever hurt me as badly as he did last night either.

I didn't want to get into a heavy conversation, and I tried to keep it light, but he said he still didn't know how he felt about they way I reacted on New Year's Eve. He told me when he left my house that morning, he had nothing to say to me. He said he wouldn't have minded if we had never talked again. I asked him, if he was serious, and he looked at me very matter of factual and said yes. I felt like I had been kicked in the stomach. I asked him why he invited me out tonight, and he said... "I don't know. I felt bad for you." More shock. More hurt. I repeated it back to him, and in the moment I just thought, do I seem that fragile that you have to "endure" seeing me tonight? He said "I was dreading seeing you tonight" I just looked at him, and shook my head. I couldn't believe those words were coming from THAT man. I couldn't believe that the person that I thought was such a gentleman, could say such horrible things to someone. He went on to clarify that he meant because he was afraid we would have this conversation. It was too late. The damage was done. The words had been spoken and I knew what they meant. I asked him if he thought he wanted to see me again, and he said "I don't know" He told me he doesn't  have the patience for this kind of thing right now. This kind of thing? Life? You mean reality and life? I didn't say the words I wanted to say. I wanted to lash out at him and hurt him and make him feel like he made me feel. I didn't. I didn't even cry. I just sat there stoic, thinking how could this be happening? I don't know why I kept asking questions. I should have ran away when the first sting of the conversation hit, but I didn't. I just kept thinking if you never want to see me again, perhaps now would be a good time to tell me, but he didn't, so I grasped on to that hope yet again.

When I started to leave the car I hugged him, and kissed him on the cheek. I took his hand and squeezed it and said that I wasn't giving up so soon on this. I told him that I believed that he was still a great person, and I still wanted to see him, and unless he told me he was done, I wasn't. I told him I wanted my glitter back. He squeezed my hand back, and before I left the car I turned back to look at him, and his eyes were wet. I just said "I'll text you later" and he said "Ok".

ok with never talking to you again. The man said he doesn't forgive easily. The man said that he was dreading seeing you! At that moment in time, half way home, I lost it. I cried and cried and cried and cried. I cried for all the days I wondered why he wasn't calling me. I cried for all the days and nights I spent caring about a man, who didn't seem to care about me. I cried for the loss of friends that I had made through him, that I would have to give up. I cried grieving the loss of things I would never do with him. I cried because I was again fooled by a man into believing that someday I would have my fairy tale ending.

I called RFG. I was hoping he would be awake, or sober enough to just listen. I wasn't ready to call my girlfriends, because I knew once they heard what he had said they wouldn't let me even contemplate seeing him again, and I wasn't ready to hear that. It's always easier to believe that there is a glimmer of hope. It's something to hang on to while you try and figure out how to go through each day without the person you had grown to adore. RFG was great. He listened while I sobbed uncontrollably in his ear. He made me laugh when I needed to and at the end of the conversation he made me feel wanted by saying "So you are on the market again?" in a suggestive way. This is twice now he has been there to pick up the pieces when a relationship goes south. I don't know what I would have done had he not answered the phone. I guess I would have just left some crazy rambling message. The best part about it, is that no matter how crazy my messages ever get, he always calls me back. He doesn't care if I am myself. He still loves me.

When I started seeing CS I told my daughter, he is my kryptonite, and if this doesn't work this could break my heart pretty badly. I was right. I am broken again. I think it would be easier to just retreat into a cave again. I think it would be easier to just not feel anything than to try and ever find love. I think it would be easier to just run away and give up. However, that is exactly what CS did to me. That is why I am sitting here crying again. He had someone in his life who would give him the moon and stars, and love him like there is no one else on earth He had unconditional adoration. He ran away the minute it got real. He didn't want it to be real, and messy like life is. He doesn't want to live. He s happy just existing. That's not life. That's death. I will not be like that. I refuse.

I will get through this...

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