Monday, January 9, 2012

If You Don't Put Them On A Pedestal...

So here it is Monday, and I am not done crying over CS apparently. One week later and you would think I would feel better. Perhaps I still have some tears left in my head after all.

A friend told me that if you don't put people on a pedestal they can't disappoint you when they fall down. I think that is sage advice. For 10 years I knew CS from a distance. I watched him in plays, I listened to him every morning on the radio, and I would go listen to him sing when he sang in a band. I thought he was the greatest. I was his biggest fan, and I secretly had this crush on him for all these years. I never told anyone, because I knew it was silly. I thought I never had a chance with someone like that. He was always so nice to me, and would always give me a hug and a kiss on the cheek when he saw me, but I thought he was some how above me. A star. A local star, but a star none the less, and I was just a chubby dispatcher at a towing company, and before that a manager at a moving company. I couldn't talk about theater or wine, or anything classy. I put him on such a pedestal that when this all happened it's like all the glitter just turned to dust. When we started seeing each other I felt like I was walking on a cloud. I finally got the chance to date CS! I was always nervous and afraid he would think I was such a nit wit. I realized early on that he was very down to earth and actually preferred dive bars to wine bars. I think we spent more time at Applebees sharing nachos than any other place in the county. I was relieved when I found out that he was just a regular guy. This only made me adore him even more.

I guess I built him up so big in my mind for the last few years that when this all fell apart on Friday, it felt like a decade, not just the last 4 months of my life had all been fake. When I walked away Friday, I was hurt. Was I hurt because of the words he said or was I hurt because the fantasy in my mind didn't turn out to be real? Was I only feeling the loss of a dream never realized? I think it was a combination of all of these things.

I have started to grieve more for the things in my life that didn't happen as I age. I grieve for the house I never owned. The husband I never had when I was young enough to enjoy building a new life with someone. The father's that my children should have had, will never come to pass. The career I should have had, and the education I should have finished. All these things I realize at 41, are gone. I can't have a redo, or a rewind. I have to take the rest of my life and do what I can with it now. Make the best of it before it's too late.

So as I sit here tonight wondering if CS will ever forgive what doesn't need to be forgiven, and I wonder if I can ever truly forgive him for what he put me through the last week I reflect on loss in my past, and how I will deal with it in my future.

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