Monday, January 2, 2012

Today Was Rough...

Today just kind of sucked. I got up and had no calls or texts from CS. I felt like I had been kicked in the stomach. I got ready to go to work and face the "How Was Your New Years Eve?" questions. I got to Starbucks just as DL was leaving. I told her what had happened, and she said we need to walk tonight around the lake and that will make me feel better. I got to work and I talked about the dress, the band, the food, and my friends. I pretended like nothing was wrong. I felt like I was lying.

Then it got worse. We had evidence locked down in our storage. Over the weekend we had towed in a fatal. Someone had lost their child, their friend, maybe their brother or grandson because they got into a car with someone who was drinking, and didn't wear their seat belt. I know that it's horrible but it suddenly made my life seem not so bad. I had a moment alone in the office and I found myself crying. I don't know if I was crying for the family that lost their son, or myself. Either way the day just kind of dragged on like I could burst into tears at any moment.

I met DL at the lake and we walked, and talked, and talked and talked. We talked about what I want, what I have, what she wants, what she has, or doesn't have. We talked about joining a gym. We talked about me drinking less wine in the future. We talked about my fears and insecurities, and it felt great just to get it all out, and feel validated for being a silly girl. I don't feel as bad as I did all day. I feel like I have hope.

Something inside me has been broken, and I guess it helps with the things I want to change about myself. I didn't look at the car from the fatal. I didn't feel like I needed to. I will probably cry for the family tonight when I go to bed... and you know what?

That's OK... I am OK.

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