Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Some Professional Moving Advice...

At some point in our lives we are all going to move. You may move across town, or you may meet that special someone via blogland, and move half way around the country for him/her. I have taken it upon myself to educate the bloglandians of the world so that when they call their local moving company they are prepared.

Most people don't realize how a moving company works. They think that we just hire a bunch of beefy college guys, buy some trucks and roll out to your house load up and go. Well, Not so much.
I have created this helpful guide to moving:

~ Moving companies are locally owned agents for a major Van Line such as northAmerican, United, Global, Wheaton, and Allied. When you are looking for a mover call a mover in YOUR AREA. Don't call someone in the city you are moving TO, as this WILL NOT save your cheap ass any money, and will not help your move go smoothly, in fact since your agent will NOT be local, it will usually cause more problems.

~ Any move over 100 miles is based on the weight of your household goods plus the mileage from point A to point B. This means an estimater has to come out to your house(ALMOST ALWAYS FOR FREE) and take a look at what you have. DO NOT call your local agent and ask for a "Ball park figure" because without seeing what you won't be anywhere close to what you will actually pay. If a mover won't come see you, do you REALLY want all your stuff on their trucks? Don't be a lazy ass, get a visual estimate!

~ PLAN AHEAD! In most cases you know you are moving well in advance of your move. Give your local agent as mush time as possible to come out for an estimate, get all your paperwork in order, and book your move. If you call me and ask me to move you from California to Florida tomorrow I will laugh out loud at your slacker ass on the phone, because yeah um that's not going to happen no matter what van line you call. However, don't call me in March asking me to book your move in August. You shouldn't call anymore than 60 days in advance, as rates change frequently.

DO NOT complain about the price of the move, when it's based on weight, and you own 15,000 VHS Movies, 13,000 books, and 2 gun safes. Have a yard sale you pack rat! Cartons weigh more than furniture!

~ If you pack your own crap, and it gets broke...Boo hoo....Listen to the professionals when they tell you to pack your dishes in dish packs instead of a Budweiser box that has sat out in the rain all night.

~ Check out the local agent you are moving with, if your ass is too lazy to drive by their warehouse and check out their trucks, their office, and their crew, then you deserve to get some broken down trucks, and crew. I actually had a shipper call me once thinking we had moved them(and we hadn't...) when I asked what color the truck was that moved them(since they had no idea the name of the moving company that took all of their worldly possessions away) they said they didn't go out and look. Dumb.

~ I suggest you keep in touch with your local agent as your move date gets closer, but just because you sold your table lamp does not mean we are going to drive all the way back out to your house to give you a new estimate. Trust me, it's NOT going to make a difference in the weight of your shipment. Don't call your agent 10 times a day, "JUST to make sure everything is still on"...It's annoying, you have become a pest, and will be labeled a "FREAK SHIPPER".

My Moving crew would also like me to include the following:

If you have pets clean up after them before your crew arrives, poop is NOT fun to work in.
(also keep your pets away from the movers, they are just in the way, NOT CUTE)

Clean up your trashy ass house before they get there. Your crew should not have to work in filth just because you live like that. (Why ARE you living like that?---GROSS)

Please pack your own sex toys...Your crew may laugh at the fact that your big giant black dildo is out on the bed, but they don't want to touch it.

Be ready to move on your moving day...You should be packed, dressed, and prepared to roll when the crew gets there. They don't want to see you in your Scooby Doo PJ's Mr. Smith.

No your crew WILL NOT re-plant your trees at destination, move giant boulders, take your house plants, or help you drain your pool.
If people would use common sense(assuming they have it) when using a moving company their move would be a lot easier.
Any Questions? 

Thursday, February 16, 2006

Haven't You Learned ANYTHING?

Apparently SOMEONE, who shall remain nameless, ok I lied...CG...Needs to read my post about "Drunk Dialing"!

I was tired last night. I don't know why. I got eight hours of sleep the night before. My eyes were hurting, and all I could think about was getting into bed. I told Matilda (Jen B.'s new name) that I was going to bed, and stay as long as you like to watch the Olympics. (because watching hours of people skiing is fun!...Yeah ok not so much) I trudged up my stairs, changed into my shirt I stole from CG while he was in Germany, and snuggled down into my nice warm bed. I had just about gotten to sleep when of course...just as Matilda predicted...CG called me. Any OTHER time I would have been thrilled to hear from him, however this was NOT the case last night. I hadn't heard from him all day, thinking he was working, so I wasn't really all that worried about it. I answered the phone I knew he had, in fact, been working...on quite a buzz.

Debi: Hello...

CG: Hiyaz...

Debi: Oh Geez.

CG: Whatsamatter?

Debi: You are Drunk.

CG: Noooo I am justalittle buzzed thas all. It was fitycentbeer night ata bar, and I got drunk, and puked, and now Iamallbuzzed again.

Debi: Um..Yeah ok, that was smart.

CG: I got fired today!

Debi: WHAT?!? What did you do now?

 Isonly for one days...We went througha red signal *hiccup*

Debi: um what time did you start drinking? 

 4:30ish I think I dunno I got fireds today *hiccup* I didn't call you because my phone wasona charger at home, cause it was dead *hiccup*

Debi: u huh. Yes, I heard a rumor...okkk well I am gonna go now(my best Office Space voice) 

 Why dontcha wanna talks to me anymore? I hadabadday I got fired today!

Debi: I read that some place...Um you are drunk and I am tired.

Then he went on and on about being fired (from what I understand it's only one day), wiggling worms & corn, and how drunk he was. When I asked him where his truck was, he said he THOUGHT it was outside....Genius I tell ya...GENIUS. I was in no mood to deal with his drunk ass dialing...I wanted to scream SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP! However, I ended the conversation there, cause I am nice like that. (Stop laughing Matilda!)

I need a drink....

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

February 24th...

I know you are all just on pins and needles wanting to know what CG did for me for Valentine's day... 

N O T H I N G 

However, I must be fair to my poor little train engineer. When V-Day was fast approaching I told him that if he valued his life he would be prepared well in advance and not forget his beloved on this very special day that I hate oh so much.

CG: Valentine's day is made up by Hershey and Hallmark and you KNOW I hate doing that kind of stuff.

Debi: But, it's special to me, and *I* like that kind of um whatcha gettin me?

CG: I don't DO Valentine's day. Besides I have plenty of time, it's not until the 24th.

(At this point I was pondering if CG's mommy didn't hug him enough as a child)

Debi: it's the 14th. *rolling eyes*


Debi: Um yes really...

I decided that if I had a snowball's chance in hell of getting even a sappy card and a sprig of parsley I had to compromise. When CG left for Reno I told him that instead of Valentine's day we would do our celebrating on February 24th! It would be our own special day, and I think CG's lack of protest meant he agreed to it. He even asked me a few days later what I wanted for February 24th.

So...on February 24th we will not only have our own special day that means something to us, but it is not made up by the candy and card people. Sappy...YES! That's just the way I am, so shut up and deal with it!

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Valentine's Day Sucks Butt!

I HATE this day...

Screw you "A Diamond Is Forever" commercials.... Diamonds may be forever... but the giver of my last diamond can throw himself under a buss. 

Screw you Hallmark
... Even though I single handed keep you in business with my card buying... Even though I never get any in return. 

Screw you flower shops
... You charge way too much for crappy roses that die, and make my vases stink. 

Screw you Candy companies
... You make all those little heart shaped boxes of gooey mushy waxy candy that just makes me fat! 

Screw you happy couples that are getting married today
... be original would ya? V-Day is NOT original!

Screw you, Screw you, Screw you!

Monday, February 13, 2006

Um...You Are Moving WHERE!?!

...anywhere west of The Mississippi River.

Of COURSE now that CG is in Reno, NV. Found an apartment, and I made plans to come see him, he decides to borrow out to another terminal.

What does that mean?

CG is a a new engineer for the railroad. That means he doesn't have enough seniority to stay at the local terminal here until someone dies (that could be arranged) or retires. So until then he has to work for another terminal. Now I didn't see what was so bad about working for the Sparks terminal but apparently everything CG does is financially driven. Therefore, if he "borrows out" to another terminal he can make even MORE money. That means he could go anywhere...Well except here... west of the Mississippi river. That of course means that driving to see him would no longer be an option and flights will cost a lot more than I want to pay. This does not make me all happy and smiley. In fact it concerns me.

I told him I would do this as long as it didn't require a passport, long before he moved. What was *I* thinking? I was ready to make trips to Reno, NV. Occasional to see him. We talked about seeing each other and somehow him being in the same time zone, and only six hours away made it seem a lot better. I guess it really doesn't matter if he's in Reno or Poedunkville, Texas...He's still gone, and gone is gone is matter the mileage. I was silly to think that this might be fun, and sending him cards and talking on the phone everyday would make it easier. It was fun planning a trip to come see him...but now that's not going to happen either. It's not easier...It's NOT fun. It's not settled yet, but he is on some silly list, so it's probably going to happen.

I really want to go home and go back to bed today...

Thursday, February 9, 2006

I Wish I Were A Bear...

There are two days a year that I wish I was a bear, and one of them is coming up. I wish that on Valentines day every year I could just fall into a coma at midnight, hibernate the entire day, live on the fat that I stored up the night before JUST for this occasion, then wake up oblivious that there was even a sappy holiday that I just missed.

I hate Valentines day! I wish I didn't, but I do. I went into Hallmark yesterday to buy some sappy cards to send to CG while he is shacked up with a bunch of guyz in Reno. (wow that sounds bad) Everything in there screamed "You have no valentine, you ARE a loser, go home and cry". Everywhere I looked there were pink and red hearts, coupon books for all kinds of romantic nights, candles that are way too cute to burn, and a plethora of stuffed animals that said all kinds of sappy things. I was in fact, in HEAVEN.

Every year Valentines day has sucked for me. I either have no one special in my life, OR worse...I have a guy who is ANTI-Valentines. This year I am not sure what I have. I mean I have CG in Reno, but since I am only "pseudo girlfriend" I am not sure if that actually qualifies me for gift giving/receiving. He did give me a box of candy and a card on Christmas, but I know he hates Valentines day, AND he's so not sappy, so I figure I'll probably get some Burger King bucks from him. It's ok I like their onion rings...

Luckily this year it falls on a Tuesday, and I work in an office by myself, so I won't have to feel the shame of not having a massive bouquet of roses sitting on my desk. When I worked in a call center all the women (well except for StephaJew) had flowers sent to them. I think the women who weren't married had them sent to themselves so as not to be left out... but I just couldn't go that far. So This year I will work through most of the day completely oblivious, eat a lot of crappy greasy food for lunch, go home and eat a giant bag of candy conversation hearts(even though they taste like a mixture of sugar and sidewalk chalk), puke and go to bed. Then I have another 365 days to plot how I can become a bear before Valentine's Day 2007.

Wednesday, February 8, 2006

Look AT ME I Have a Bean In My Nose!

It's Official. CG is Gone.
*Insert weeping here*
OK NOT Really...

The good news is I don't have to learn German, although it may be a fun distraction for a while. The bad news is, I will STILL be racking up a few more frequent flyer miles. CG's job has moved him to Reno, NV. For a while. A while being 7-18 months. Now I like Reno. I mean how can you go wrong with a city filled with alcoholic gamblers? However, it snows there! I don't do well in any climate where white stuff falls from the sky and makes me shiver. I live in Cali, I don't even OWN a winter coat anymore. (I figure if it's cold enough for a coat I have no business going outside.) I guess I shouldn't complain since it could have been worse, and been Germany, where I hear it is MUCH colder, and they eat a lot of cabbage.

Yesterday before he left for his 6 hour drive out of town, he came by my office so he could say goodbye, and I took the opportunity to have a little chat with him about "THE FUTURE*insert scary movie music here*. I have a theory that he either was terribly uncomfortable about having this conversation, he has , or he is really only 5 years old. The entire time I was trying to talk to him he was playing with my mechanical pencil. He started by taking all of the lead out, and putting in back in, then at some point he stuck my eraser up his nose. I think he was probably one of those kids in kindergarten who got beans stuck up their nose when it was time to make art projects with a paper plate, a handful of pinto beans and Elmers Glue. I can just see him running around the classroom screaming "Look at me I have a bean in my nose!" while wearing a towel for a cape....but I digress. Our conversation was like this...

Debi: So um are we going to continue our pseudo relationship long distance or what?

CG: Well what do you think? (playing with pencil)

Debi: Well, that's why I am asking.

CG: Yes. (Taking lead out of Pencil) How do you get the lead back in here?

Debi: So I'll see you in a couple of weeks then? (trying to grab the pencil away)

CG: Yeah, I'll come back and get my stuff out of storage then (breaking my pencil lead into shorter pieces) ooopps..

Debi: and see me...(glaring)

CG: Right. My stuff is in your warehouse silly, of course I will see you. (laughing)

Debi: I hate you.

CG: No you don't.

He left shortly after taking apart my pencil. We did have some semi-sappy moments in there too. I guess I have to log on to Expedia and check out some flights to Reno now... Because as much as this guy makes me wanna choke him, the times he makes me laugh and smile are much more.

Oh and I can't get my hands around his neck...

Friday, February 3, 2006

Friends Don't Let Friends Drunk Dial

Star Date: The day after Harry's got Grey Goose Vodka...'nuff said.

When the waitress said "You know we have Grey Goose now!"
I think Jen said something like "OH NO!" and rightly so.
I didn't even plan on going out last night, and wearing my daughter's sparkly shoes, and um her sweater too... but when the packing material sales guyz came into the office yesterday we somehow started talking about how I go out and sing karaoke on Thursday nights. It's a natural transition in MY world OK? It just so happened that they were staying in the very same city I go sing in, and just happened to know how to get to the bar. (Convienent huh?) I invited them to join Jen B. and I if they wanted, and they said they might. I had no idea they would actually show up.

"Junior"(because he is the owner(of the packing material company's son) was a real hottie. Alan(cause um that's his name) wasn't hot, but he was funny so that makes up for it, actually did show up. Now before all two of my loyal readers freak out and ask "what about CG?" just wait bitches!... Junior is Married with three kids. He was just there to hang out, worship at the temple of Debi(cause I am a Diva and all) and buy us drinks. Which he did, a LOT! It just seemed like such a waste to not accept free Vodka... I love me some taters, and Vodka is made of taters... so again... it's a natural progression for me, just go with it. Some girl named Frenchie (That was her first mistake) sang MY SONG (That was her second) although, if Diva reads this she will of course say it was HER song to begin with, but here in Cali-for-ni-a *I* own yeah. This lead me to glare at French Fry the rest of the night. The sales boyz were trying to tempt me with promises of free note pads and box cutters to sing the same song directly after she did. This was indeed a fabulous offer, but I took the high ground and sang something better. It's hard to believe I have something better, I know. We had a lot of fun with the salez guys but they had to get up early to distribute calendars, and box cutters to other moving divas, so their night was cut short.

"Mohawk" and "Veigny" showed up, and Jen B had the fabulous idea of doing some Kamikaze karaoke. Now for those of you in blogland that don't know what this is I shall explain. Everyone who plays, puts their name in the hat to be drawn out, when you draw that person's name, you end up picking their song for them, and they are forced to sing it. I drew Veigny's name, and ended up making him sing "Beautiful" By christina Aguilera. Mohawk had to sing "The rose", which I think he knew way too well. I had to sing "Smooth Criminal"...that was bad. I think the best was when Jen B. had to sing "Ice Ice Baby". I think she should have dedicated it to me! While she was singing her tribute to me, a gentleman(I use this term loosely) sat down next to me and introduced himself. It was very hard for me not to laugh at him, as I had not 15 minutes earlier been doing my best impression of a deaf mute in order to not speak to him, as he was flailing his arms in order to get my attention. (THIS by the way is NOT a good way to get me to talk to you) He rambled on something about me being pretty, and a great singer.... He must have heard my version of smooth criminal... I just smiled and thanked him, still trying not to laugh. When Jen B. got back to the table she said "Beat it!" to him. He just stared at her in disbelief. I just kind of laughed, and pretended to be shocked at her behavior. He ended up unable to hold a conversation with me, and shuffled away to his friend. The night ended with Mohawk & Veigny bribing us to go to their karaoke show this weekend. Hmm....perhaps.

On the way home...and this is where it always goes bad...I called CG. Last I talked to CG, he was crashing some party in Vegas where they were providing him with lots of free beverages. I believe he said he may get drunk..I dunno I was looking at myself in the mirror and was distracted. He didn't call me all night, and of course that can only mean trouble Lassie! What? Timmy's in the well? So the best thing for me to do is slobber all over my phone and call him. I'm not REALLY sure what I said to his voice mail, but I remember calling him a bitch. I'm sure I said it with love... but why on earth would I call him a bitch? When did it become ok to call CG, of all people, bitch?! It's the groundhog's fault I tell ya! I know you are reading this, and you are stunned...or if you know me, you are just shaking your head If you are Diva you are saying "I still love you". I must have figured out that I called him bitch, because as I was climbing the stairs to go to bed, I dialed again. OK someone take away my cell phone PLEASE! Again I got his voice mail. (Why isn't he answering? Is it because I called him a bitch? Did I even really do that? I should call Jen B and ask her.) This time I apologized for calling him a bitch.... and said something about his ass... but I dunno what. I know I know...bad bad bad. He comes home from Vegas tonight. Unless of course he got so drunk, that he was mugged, and left for dead in the desert. (Does this mean I don't get my present?) Thank God he will be too tired from his drive home to do much, cause I will probably just pass out on my stairs when I get home.

Good Times!

Thursday, February 2, 2006

What The Hell Is A Groundhog?

Today is Groundhog day. Um, YAY?
Help me, how did this country start to believe that a groundhog (which by the way looks like a small ball of fur with eyes, and wicked teeth) could predict the weather for the next six weeks? I mean maybe tomorrow's weather, or even two weeks from now, but SIX weeks?! I'm sorry but it's not like we let cats predict earthquakes, or monkeys predict Hurricanes...So why do we let a groundhog...What in the hell IS a groundhog anyway, a giant rat?...Predict the next six weeks of weather?

Wednesday, February 1, 2006

Vegas Baby!

There was a time when the words "Vegas Baby" would conjure up images of strip clubs with duct tape on the chairs, casinos, 7-11 stores with puke all over, and my ex not telling me he was going....(wait that's another story), and wedding chapels. 

Not today...

CG JUST got back from Germany we spend a total of 5 hours together, and his damn job sends him off to Vegas. Now I wish MY boss would send ME off to Vegas. I am sure there is some packing material convention, or maybe "How to train a mover to not throw a washing machine off a walk board" convention? I don't know but I am willing to find out.

CG gets sent to Vegas for two days of training and he is complaining. I know he is going to miss me and all...Maybe even miss me enough to weep...However it's VEGAS!!!! OK Now I adore CG, I really really...Ok maybe just a little...Do, but if someone were to send me to Vegas for a couple of days I don't think I would be all sad about it.

Since his Germany trip was cut short, he didn't get to bring me a present. You know if he were a wise man, he would bring me something from Vegas to make up for it!