Wednesday, January 4, 2012

This Is Getting Old...

I should be happy. I should be excited about all the possibilities of a new year. I'm not. With each day I don't hear from CS I go a little further into a funk. I don't even know if something bad has happened to him.

Part of my thinks, well if I haven't heard from him, then he's probably not "breaking up" with me, for lack of a better term. Then part of me thinks... why would he not talk to me? He knows I am worried, I did call him and tell him. Why can't he just text me and say he needs space, or worse he hates me. Of course I don't want to hear any of those words. It would make me feel worse than I do, but at least I would be able to heal, grieve, and start to move on. The way I feel now I am just floating through the day hoping that someone won't mention his name for fear I will just lose it.

I had no idea how much I cared about him. I had no idea how much he changed my life (for the good) until I felt like it could all be taken away. This isn't what I wanted. I loved the way it was. I loved the fun, and the new experiences. I loved how he brought so much joy and laughter to my life. I am not willing to let that go. I don't want that to end. I want my friend back. I want CS back.

I will get through this day!

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