What If?

What if everything I thought I knew was all a lie? What if everything I fell in love with wasn't real? What if the person I loved never existed?

Would it make getting over him easier? Would I be able to trust anyone ever again?    


Would I be able to trust MYSELF ever again?

When the only man you have ever trusted one hundred percent  leaves the way he did, it tends to make you second guess everything.

Another Birthday...

As some of my readers know, I am not exactly fond of my birthday. I reference the reasons I hate it here. Every year I hate it a little more. Now, along with the typical "I'm not doing anything fun for my birthday" that I have come to expect, I also have the fact that I am single again.  I am getting older, with a few more wrinkles too.

Once again I felt the mass amounts of dread as my birthday approached. Thursday I was a blubbering hormonal mess. I didn't want to go sing karaoke with Jen, I just wanted to lay in bed and have a pity party. I sobbed and sobbed so much my eyes hurt. I sobbed for all the loss I had experienced in the last months. I was missing my grandmother, who had passed away in February, I was missing CS. I was missing all of the friends we had together, and I was mourning plans that we had made for my birthday that I knew would never happen. I was in a serious funk and I felt like I wasn't ever going to get out of it. Jen forced me to go out that night, which helped a little, but the next day it was all back. Funkville. Which, by the way is not as cool as Funkytown!

I agreed to go over to Morro Bay with some friends on Sunday. Jen and her boyfriend "Mohawk" met me at my house and we met another friend and had lunch on the Embarcadero. The whether was very nice, the meal was great, but I was miserable. Even copious amounts of salt water taffy and brown butter cookies couldn't make me happy. I just felt like everything was "off".

R& S wanted to get together for dinner for my birthday, but I just couldn't do it. I haven't been able to hang out with both of them without CS. It's too hard. It reminds me of all the fun we used to have as a foursome, and I just feel like it would be insanely awkward to be the third wheel along with them. I'm not ready to go out with them, and it makes me sad. I want to be strong enough to say fuck it.... these are my friends too, but I am just not there... yet! They were never my friends, and they were never his friends, they were "our" friends, so I know they feel like they have to pick only one of us when there is an event. It just sucks that he always gets picked. I wish we could be friendly so no one would have to make that kind of choice at all.

When I got to work yesterday they had decorated my office for my birthday, and made me wear a tiara, and they even gave me a magic wand. They all sang happy birthday and provided cake for me, and everyone else. I was so touched by the amount of love from my crew for someone they had only known for a short few months that I almost burst into tears. Then of course it was one of those moments that made me think... wow people I have only known for a few months did this for me, and DoucheyMcDouchey pants can't even say Happy Birthday? It made me angry again, and that got me through the day until i got home.

There it was, a neatly wrapped present with pink polka dots sitting on my doorstep when I got home. I froze. Who would leave a package on my door step? It had my name on it, but no card. As I picked up the gift I recognized the writing... Oh Jesus! This cannot be.... I tore a piece of the paper back and looked inside. It was this huge book that was a vault of all things UCLA football, with memorabilia from the past, and all kinds of great stories, and pictures. I stared at the package like it was a ghost. I dropped it to the floor and stood there crying. I knew it was from CS the minute I saw what it was. My stomach lurched, and I suddenly felt like I was going to throw up. I picked up my phone and sent him a text asking him if he had left something on my doorstep. His reply was short...

"Yes. Happy Birthday"

Fuck YOU CS for telling me happy birthday after your soul crushing actions over the last weeks. My birthday sucks, it always does, and YOU ruined it even more by running out of my life with no explanation right before my birthday. Fuck you for bringing me a gift and acting like it's the nicest thing in the world, and everyone should think you are awesome! YOU ruined what little joy I had yesterday because I spent the night sobbing and confused because you bought me something for my birthday but couldn't face me to give it to me!!! If you are so done with me... stop it! Stop coming back around just when I start to feel better and make me think you care... cause I know you don't in my head, but my heart just gets all confused again. Oh and for someone who was in a relationship with someone that was "ok for now" you sure knew exactly what to buy her for her birthday.

Yep. That's what I wanted to say... but I didn't. I just said thank you for the gift and remembering my birthday. It was a sad little text, and it got no reply, as I expected. However, somehow being nice to him, even though he hasn't been, felt really good.

I ended up going to bed and having nightmares all night. I couldn't sleep much. I tossed and turned  I woke up this morning thinking...

 Yes another birthday over. THANK GOD!

For Now, turns into "For-never"

It's early, there is a nice summer breeze outside, the birds are chirping, and I feel strangely calm about my life. I have some peace. I have some closure. Probably not the closure I was expecting, nor the closure I thought I wanted, but it was what I needed. God has a funny way of doing that doesn't he? Praise Jesus on this one! Change is so hard for me, but I survived another weekend where our friends were divided for an event and they chose CS. I'm glad they did, and I didn't expect any different. It was just hard to feel left out.

I had more confirmation this weekend of exactly who CS is. A mutual friend of mine and CS met me yesterday afternoon to talk about everything that had happened, and enlightened me on some things that I didn't know. I was shocked to find out that CS had referred to our relationship as "OK for now". I honestly don't know why I was shocked. I had heard so many things from people I trusted about how CS was with other women in his past, but I really believed he wasn't the cad everyone made him out to be. JB and I had many many discussions on why I was still dating a man who clearly wasn't satisfying me. I used to say that even on CS's worst day he was better than most men on their best, and he is always there for me and when we are together he treats me really well. That was all true. I have mixed feelings about all of this now. I want to be angry and pissed off at him for all the times he was angry at me for no reason. I want to be angry with him for making me out to be a fool. Everyone seemed to know that I was in some kind of "faux" relationship but me. However, if I am truly going to be honest with myself... and that is what this blog is about. I guess I always knew from that first new years eve. Things changed with us, and they never really went back to normal. They were good, but not great. He was good to me in a lot of ways, but sadly not in the ways someone you love is supposed to be. I want to hate him, but instead I find myself sad. Not for me though. I am sad because I don't think CS will ever truly be happy, because I am not sure he will ever let himself feel any kind of emotion. You can't just pick and chose what emotions you want your heart to feel. True passionate people can't do that, and I don't want to be with someone who has no passion. I don't want to be with someone who feels nothing. Again... that's not living, that's just existing.

I want someone for passion for God, music, and life! I want someone who will look at me and tell me that I am the most beautiful girl in the room, even when I'm not. I want someone who notices when I change my hair. I want someone who goes to sleep at night dreaming about me. I want someone to hold me when I have a bad day, and laugh with me when I have a good day. I want someone to hold my hand in public, and dance with me at weddings. I want someone to sit next to me during football games and at least pretend to hate USC. (Come on people an 8 clap once in awhile is not that hard!) I want someone to understand that families are not always perfect and tolerate mine just because they are mine. I want someone to text me first for a change. I want someone who will stand on the top of a mountain and tell the world how much he loves me. 

Private lives aren't private anymore!

I fought hard to make something out of nothing, and I really had a lot of hope that someday CS and I would make a real go of it. No one can ever say I didn't try hard enough, or I didn't give 110%. When I love, I love with my whole heart, and I did love CS in spite of all of his crazy. That's ok. I know I was a good... GREAT girlfriend even if I didn't know it was all pretend.

Today's song: Kiss and Tell - Adam Lambert

Please Return Your Seats To The Upright Position...

Me: Seriously?! F*$%&#@ Hoarder!
JB: So I see we have entered the angry portion of our program?
Me: Yes! Damn Midget!

Yesterday was a good day, a bad day, a good day(again), and finally ending with a night filled with nightmares and tossing and turning. just another typical day for me I guess. I don't know why I thought it would be any different.

Yesterday I thought I would give this closure thing another shot so I sent CS a text asking him if he wanted to meet up since I was going to be free. All day I didn't hear from him, so I figured I wouldn't. When I saw DL in the morning she had asked me to go walk around the lake like we used to. She had been wanting to go for a walk for weeks, and I kept saying I would, but the thought of walking right by CS's house made me cringe. She pointed out that we used to walk BC (before CS), and that was OUR lake, not his. He doesn't even like it, or walking for that matter so... screw him. I was going to go for the walk. I could do this! My dog will be happy, and maybe just maybe my ass won't be so big if I go back to boozercise. As we walked past his house, I felt a twinge of pain, and my heart started racing thinking about all that I put into that house when he moved in, and then I thought, what am I more sad about? Losing CS or the use of the lake-house? Ask me today, and I guess I would say the lake house. DL and I walked, and talked like we used to, call it lake therapy, call it girlfriend time... whatever it was... I needed it.

JB and I met at my house so we could grab some sushi for dinner. I told her that I had sent CS a text and how angry I was that he couldn't grow a pair and have a conversation with me. That's when she pointed out that I had probably entered the anger stage of grief. Good! I need to be pissed off. I need to stop feeling hurt, and sad over something that may or may not have been as great as I thought it was. That may also be the anger talking, but if it gets me through the day... it's what I need to do.

Last night I had a conversation with "The Grand Wizard". Oh yeah, that's your blog name - deal with it! I will call him TGW for short. I am glad I called. He made me think about a lot of things. He doesn't know CS, or really even me very well, so it was nice to get a non-jaded outsider's perspective on things. He told me he thought the reason that this all was bothering me so much is because I am out of control of the situation, and he is right. I let CS have all the power in and OUT of this relationship. We talked about a lot of other things, and I felt better that we had talked. I am glad TGW and I are friends, and I hope we stay that way. I could use his wizardly wisdom.

As I laid there awake in the wee small hours of the morning (please enjoy that Sinatra reference) I thought about a lot of things. How I suppressed a part of my personality while I was with CS. I stopped coloring my hair "unnatural colors". I stopped wearing so much bling and glitter because I thought I was somehow "classier". I stopped hanging out with people who he didn't like, thinking maybe he had a point about them. I even missed a pirate faire this year to go to a wine festival! I followed him around to all of his events, and when it came time to go to things that I enjoyed, he wouldn't go. He never once went to a UCLA football game with me... or even watched a game with me on TV, yet I supported his precious NFL team. In the grand scheme of things those aren't huge things. They may not even matter to anyone but me, but they DO matter. I don't want to make him sound like a complete cad, he was really great to me most all of the time, and we did have a lot of fun. He was there for the really important stuff, and when I needed a shoulder, he was ALWAYS there. It's just easier to think about the not so great stuff right now.

When I saw DL this morning, I told her what had happened last night, and she said maybe CS being douchey is a good thing. It will help you get through the sad days. I have a feeling she is right.

Stay douchey my friend! Stay douchey!

Once Again...

I am sitting here in tears over CS. I never blogged about the amazing wonderful times, because I wasn't really blogging back then consistently and I was too busy having a great time. I guess I am back. I hate to admit it, but I still love CS. The hardest part is the "love part". I wish I could turn it off. I wish I could flip a switch and just magically be O.K. with the fact that he has hurt me, and is still hurting me as I type this. I wish that I could get over him somehow if he plans on making this "done thing" stick. 

I was happy! I finally got a great job that I enjoy, and co-workers that I enjoy. I started weight watchers again. My son was graduating, and I was getting out of this financial hole that I had been digging for the last year... why did the rug get ripped out from under me yet again?

A few ago we were out at happy hour with some friends, and who should walk in and sit behind us? The guy that fired me. He sat with a group of his friends and I didn't really notice him until I turned around. At that point he must have seen me, because the next part of the story would shatter my world. Ex-Boss sent over a round of shots to our table. CS told the waiter that if they were from Ex-Bosses table he could take them back and fuck off. I will spare the details, but there were words exchanged, and it got to the point where ex boss' stupid friends got involved and there were more words exchanged. Luckily there was no actual violence, but I almost wish there was to make it all worth it. At the end of all of it I went to ex boss and told him we were cool. We aren't. I hate him. He has ruined my life. He fired me for no reason. I suffered humiliation, my credit was ruined when I had to default on my credit cards, and he sabotaged me getting a lot of jobs that I applied for by telling people not to hire me.... and now this. However, my son still works there, and frankly I didn't want any more drama for him. I thought I was doing the right thing. I guess at the end of the day, I wasn't. Not only does my son still have drama, but now I have lost someone that I thought was my best friend. I feel like I will never be the same.

I came back to our table and CS looked at me and said,

"We are done. Don't call me, don't text me, don't email me for the rest of your life"

He got a ride home with someone else, and I stood there looking around the room. Everyone in the place was staring at me, and looking at me with pity. I was humiliated. I was scared that he was serious, and I was in shock. I grabbed my purse and my keys and I walked out the door and completely lost it outside next to my car. I sobbed for the humiliation that I felt, but also for the fact that I felt like I had just lost my whole world. I was right...

My world has changed in the following weeks. I watched my son graduate without the one person I wanted to be there the most. He said he had a meeting that day, but I wonder if he just chose not to come because of me. I don't know if he wasn't being honest, but I guess it doesn't really matter WHY he wasn't there at this point. My son was sad because he didn't come. I was devastated that he couldn't be there. Humiliated in front of my friends and family yet again because he had led me to believe he would be there. I couldn't even enjoy my son's party. We got home from graduation, and there was a card waiting in the door. The card was from CS, for my son. It was a graduation card with money in it, and any other time I would have thought how nice, but this time I knew it was just another way for him to hurt me. He knew that when I saw that I would be devastated... and he was right. The actress that I am, did what I was taught. I pretended to have fun, and be happy. I pasted on a smile, and worked the room like a pro. However, when everyone left that day I sobbed on the couch. Partially because my baby was all grown up and would someday be off on his own, and because I had a hole the size of Kansas in my heart. I couldn't hold it back anymore. I just let it all go. I hadn't really done that since the first night. There were days that I would be ok at first because I thought everything would be OK  He would "magically" just talk to me like the last time. He hadn't told me to come get my things, and he wasn't ugly to me anymore. I guess I just thought that meant eventually we would be OK. When he didn't come around like last time I started moving on. I was getting better. I thought we were going to turn a corner and at least be friends. When he didn't come to graduation, it all changed for me.I didn't so much miss the romantic part of the relationship as much as I missed my friend. He was my best friend... or so I thought.  JB sat with me and we talked, and I told her just how much this is bothering me. She just looked at me with pity.

I can't eat very much, I can't sleep, and my body is revolting against me. Today I woke up dizzy, and sick to my stomach. It stayed with me all day, and it really hasn't gotten much better. I am hoping that it's just stress, but I don't know. What if it is something worse? I am just going through the motions of life. I am not going out and doing anything anymore. I am not having fun as much as I used to. I am just existing. I don't want to spend the rest of my life like this. I can't.