Thursday, June 20, 2013

Please Return Your Seats To The Upright Position...

Me: Seriously?! F*$%&#@ Hoarder!
JB: So I see we have entered the angry portion of our program?
Me: Yes! Damn Midget!

Yesterday was a good day, a bad day, a good day(again), and finally ending with a night filled with nightmares and tossing and turning. just another typical day for me I guess. I don't know why I thought it would be any different.

Yesterday I thought I would give this closure thing another shot so I sent CS a text asking him if he wanted to meet up since I was going to be free. All day I didn't hear from him, so I figured I wouldn't. When I saw DL in the morning she had asked me to go walk around the lake like we used to. She had been wanting to go for a walk for weeks, and I kept saying I would, but the thought of walking right by CS's house made me cringe. She pointed out that we used to walk BC (before CS), and that was OUR lake, not his. He doesn't even like it, or walking for that matter so... screw him. I was going to go for the walk. I could do this! My dog will be happy, and maybe just maybe my ass won't be so big if I go back to boozercise. As we walked past his house, I felt a twinge of pain, and my heart started racing thinking about all that I put into that house when he moved in, and then I thought, what am I more sad about? Losing CS or the use of the lake-house? Ask me today, and I guess I would say the lake house. DL and I walked, and talked like we used to, call it lake therapy, call it girlfriend time... whatever it was... I needed it.

JB and I met at my house so we could grab some sushi for dinner. I told her that I had sent CS a text and how angry I was that he couldn't grow a pair and have a conversation with me. That's when she pointed out that I had probably entered the anger stage of grief. Good! I need to be pissed off. I need to stop feeling hurt, and sad over something that may or may not have been as great as I thought it was. That may also be the anger talking, but if it gets me through the day... it's what I need to do.

Last night I had a conversation with "The Grand Wizard". Oh yeah, that's your blog name - deal with it! I will call him TGW for short. I am glad I called. He made me think about a lot of things. He doesn't know CS, or really even me very well, so it was nice to get a non-jaded outsider's perspective on things. He told me he thought the reason that this all was bothering me so much is because I am out of control of the situation, and he is right. I let CS have all the power in and OUT of this relationship. We talked about a lot of other things, and I felt better that we had talked. I am glad TGW and I are friends, and I hope we stay that way. I could use his wizardly wisdom.

As I laid there awake in the wee small hours of the morning (please enjoy that Sinatra reference) I thought about a lot of things. How I suppressed a part of my personality while I was with CS. I stopped coloring my hair "unnatural colors". I stopped wearing so much bling and glitter because I thought I was somehow "classier". I stopped hanging out with people who he didn't like, thinking maybe he had a point about them. I even missed a pirate faire this year to go to a wine festival! I followed him around to all of his events, and when it came time to go to things that I enjoyed, he wouldn't go. He never once went to a UCLA football game with me... or even watched a game with me on TV, yet I supported his precious NFL team. In the grand scheme of things those aren't huge things. They may not even matter to anyone but me, but they DO matter. I don't want to make him sound like a complete cad, he was really great to me most all of the time, and we did have a lot of fun. He was there for the really important stuff, and when I needed a shoulder, he was ALWAYS there. It's just easier to think about the not so great stuff right now.

When I saw DL this morning, I told her what had happened last night, and she said maybe CS being douchey is a good thing. It will help you get through the sad days. I have a feeling she is right.

Stay douchey my friend! Stay douchey!

No comments:

Post a Comment