Monday, June 17, 2013

Once Again...

I am sitting here in tears over CS. I never blogged about the amazing wonderful times, because I wasn't really blogging back then consistently and I was too busy having a great time. I guess I am back. I hate to admit it, but I still love CS. The hardest part is the "love part". I wish I could turn it off. I wish I could flip a switch and just magically be O.K. with the fact that he has hurt me, and is still hurting me as I type this. I wish that I could get over him somehow if he plans on making this "done thing" stick. 

I was happy! I finally got a great job that I enjoy, and co-workers that I enjoy. I started weight watchers again. My son was graduating, and I was getting out of this financial hole that I had been digging for the last year... why did the rug get ripped out from under me yet again?

A few ago we were out at happy hour with some friends, and who should walk in and sit behind us? The guy that fired me. He sat with a group of his friends and I didn't really notice him until I turned around. At that point he must have seen me, because the next part of the story would shatter my world. Ex-Boss sent over a round of shots to our table. CS told the waiter that if they were from Ex-Bosses table he could take them back and fuck off. I will spare the details, but there were words exchanged, and it got to the point where ex boss' stupid friends got involved and there were more words exchanged. Luckily there was no actual violence, but I almost wish there was to make it all worth it. At the end of all of it I went to ex boss and told him we were cool. We aren't. I hate him. He has ruined my life. He fired me for no reason. I suffered humiliation, my credit was ruined when I had to default on my credit cards, and he sabotaged me getting a lot of jobs that I applied for by telling people not to hire me.... and now this. However, my son still works there, and frankly I didn't want any more drama for him. I thought I was doing the right thing. I guess at the end of the day, I wasn't. Not only does my son still have drama, but now I have lost someone that I thought was my best friend. I feel like I will never be the same.

I came back to our table and CS looked at me and said,

"We are done. Don't call me, don't text me, don't email me for the rest of your life"

He got a ride home with someone else, and I stood there looking around the room. Everyone in the place was staring at me, and looking at me with pity. I was humiliated. I was scared that he was serious, and I was in shock. I grabbed my purse and my keys and I walked out the door and completely lost it outside next to my car. I sobbed for the humiliation that I felt, but also for the fact that I felt like I had just lost my whole world. I was right...

My world has changed in the following weeks. I watched my son graduate without the one person I wanted to be there the most. He said he had a meeting that day, but I wonder if he just chose not to come because of me. I don't know if he wasn't being honest, but I guess it doesn't really matter WHY he wasn't there at this point. My son was sad because he didn't come. I was devastated that he couldn't be there. Humiliated in front of my friends and family yet again because he had led me to believe he would be there. I couldn't even enjoy my son's party. We got home from graduation, and there was a card waiting in the door. The card was from CS, for my son. It was a graduation card with money in it, and any other time I would have thought how nice, but this time I knew it was just another way for him to hurt me. He knew that when I saw that I would be devastated... and he was right. The actress that I am, did what I was taught. I pretended to have fun, and be happy. I pasted on a smile, and worked the room like a pro. However, when everyone left that day I sobbed on the couch. Partially because my baby was all grown up and would someday be off on his own, and because I had a hole the size of Kansas in my heart. I couldn't hold it back anymore. I just let it all go. I hadn't really done that since the first night. There were days that I would be ok at first because I thought everything would be OK  He would "magically" just talk to me like the last time. He hadn't told me to come get my things, and he wasn't ugly to me anymore. I guess I just thought that meant eventually we would be OK. When he didn't come around like last time I started moving on. I was getting better. I thought we were going to turn a corner and at least be friends. When he didn't come to graduation, it all changed for me.I didn't so much miss the romantic part of the relationship as much as I missed my friend. He was my best friend... or so I thought.  JB sat with me and we talked, and I told her just how much this is bothering me. She just looked at me with pity.

I can't eat very much, I can't sleep, and my body is revolting against me. Today I woke up dizzy, and sick to my stomach. It stayed with me all day, and it really hasn't gotten much better. I am hoping that it's just stress, but I don't know. What if it is something worse? I am just going through the motions of life. I am not going out and doing anything anymore. I am not having fun as much as I used to. I am just existing. I don't want to spend the rest of my life like this. I can't. 

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