Tuesday, July 2, 2013

Another Birthday...

As some of my readers know, I am not exactly fond of my birthday. I reference the reasons I hate it here. Every year I hate it a little more. Now, along with the typical "I'm not doing anything fun for my birthday" that I have come to expect, I also have the fact that I am single again.  I am getting older, with a few more wrinkles too.

Once again I felt the mass amounts of dread as my birthday approached. Thursday I was a blubbering hormonal mess. I didn't want to go sing karaoke with Jen, I just wanted to lay in bed and have a pity party. I sobbed and sobbed so much my eyes hurt. I sobbed for all the loss I had experienced in the last months. I was missing my grandmother, who had passed away in February, I was missing CS. I was missing all of the friends we had together, and I was mourning plans that we had made for my birthday that I knew would never happen. I was in a serious funk and I felt like I wasn't ever going to get out of it. Jen forced me to go out that night, which helped a little, but the next day it was all back. Funkville. Which, by the way is not as cool as Funkytown!

I agreed to go over to Morro Bay with some friends on Sunday. Jen and her boyfriend "Mohawk" met me at my house and we met another friend and had lunch on the Embarcadero. The whether was very nice, the meal was great, but I was miserable. Even copious amounts of salt water taffy and brown butter cookies couldn't make me happy. I just felt like everything was "off".

R& S wanted to get together for dinner for my birthday, but I just couldn't do it. I haven't been able to hang out with both of them without CS. It's too hard. It reminds me of all the fun we used to have as a foursome, and I just feel like it would be insanely awkward to be the third wheel along with them. I'm not ready to go out with them, and it makes me sad. I want to be strong enough to say fuck it.... these are my friends too, but I am just not there... yet! They were never my friends, and they were never his friends, they were "our" friends, so I know they feel like they have to pick only one of us when there is an event. It just sucks that he always gets picked. I wish we could be friendly so no one would have to make that kind of choice at all.

When I got to work yesterday they had decorated my office for my birthday, and made me wear a tiara, and they even gave me a magic wand. They all sang happy birthday and provided cake for me, and everyone else. I was so touched by the amount of love from my crew for someone they had only known for a short few months that I almost burst into tears. Then of course it was one of those moments that made me think... wow people I have only known for a few months did this for me, and DoucheyMcDouchey pants can't even say Happy Birthday? It made me angry again, and that got me through the day until i got home.

There it was, a neatly wrapped present with pink polka dots sitting on my doorstep when I got home. I froze. Who would leave a package on my door step? It had my name on it, but no card. As I picked up the gift I recognized the writing... Oh Jesus! This cannot be.... I tore a piece of the paper back and looked inside. It was this huge book that was a vault of all things UCLA football, with memorabilia from the past, and all kinds of great stories, and pictures. I stared at the package like it was a ghost. I dropped it to the floor and stood there crying. I knew it was from CS the minute I saw what it was. My stomach lurched, and I suddenly felt like I was going to throw up. I picked up my phone and sent him a text asking him if he had left something on my doorstep. His reply was short...

"Yes. Happy Birthday"

Fuck YOU CS for telling me happy birthday after your soul crushing actions over the last weeks. My birthday sucks, it always does, and YOU ruined it even more by running out of my life with no explanation right before my birthday. Fuck you for bringing me a gift and acting like it's the nicest thing in the world, and everyone should think you are awesome! YOU ruined what little joy I had yesterday because I spent the night sobbing and confused because you bought me something for my birthday but couldn't face me to give it to me!!! If you are so done with me... stop it! Stop coming back around just when I start to feel better and make me think you care... cause I know you don't in my head, but my heart just gets all confused again. Oh and for someone who was in a relationship with someone that was "ok for now" you sure knew exactly what to buy her for her birthday.

Yep. That's what I wanted to say... but I didn't. I just said thank you for the gift and remembering my birthday. It was a sad little text, and it got no reply, as I expected. However, somehow being nice to him, even though he hasn't been, felt really good.

I ended up going to bed and having nightmares all night. I couldn't sleep much. I tossed and turned  I woke up this morning thinking...

 Yes another birthday over. THANK GOD!

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