Monday, May 14, 2007

Sins Of The Past...

...They always come back to haunt you don't they?

Why didn't I believe my parents when they told me to get your shit together when you are younger?

I sit here today miserable, and lacking the thinks I truly desire because of my past sins. I got married a few minutes out of high school. I didn't go to college like all my friends. I was cooking dinners and having a baby, while they were all out experiencing life, getting an education, and meeting quality men. I was watching my husband drink 12 beers a night and pass out on the floor while our baby cried because she was sick, and I was too tired, and too young to know any better.

I went from bad to worse and back again. Just when I thought I would get it together, go to school and marry the right man, he turned out to be the wrong man, again. 

I thought I knew how to break this cycle. I thought if I was a strong, educated woman, with a good job, I would attract the right man this time. The problem is. I cause this cycle. I caused the demise of so many of my past relationships... and yet I still blame THEM.

What has happened to me? Why can't I go into a relationship with trust. I can't do it. I don't know how to trust anyone anymore. Maybe I watched too many episodes of the X-Files, or maybe I have just been hurt so many times by people I did trust that I am just scarred for life. I get attached to someone and I look for the signs. I looks for the ways they are going to hurt me. I speculate on how this one will take advantage of me this time. Even when things are going really well I see giant flashing lights of dishonesty all around me, when they aren't really there. I look for ways to head off the relationship so I can escape and minimize the pain. Now even my future is being haunted by my past.

I have a great guy in my life, who has given me NO reason what so ever to doubt that he cares for me and wants to be with only me. He hasn't even done any of the things that my exes did to me. He says all the right things at the right times, and he treats me really well. He makes it known he has a girlfriend, to the people we know in common. He's smart, funny, handsome, and we have a great time together. I already let myself care for him more than I should. I passed that point of no return. The part where songs, and TV shows, and certain smells remind you of the other person. The part where you know that if it ends it's going to leave you sobbing on the couch for days while Jen tries to get you to beat a snow globe in the back yard with a hammer. So why can't I just be happy, and have fun, and believe that everything is going to be OK? Why can't I just plan a future with someone, instead of planning the way it's going to end?

I am so afraid that being loved is for other people. I want to run away. I want to run away from him. I want to run away from my radio station. I want to run away from my job. I just want to run away from everything that can hurt me.

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