It's Over...

This is the only place I can admit it. I feel like if I write it out and read it over and over maybe I will be able to admit it to myself. Just typing those words "It's Over." Makes me burst into tears. It makes my heart ache for something I never had.

I finally heard from CS on Wednesday night. He text me with a message about how he had some of my things and he still wasn't sure how he felt about the way I reacted the other night. I asked if I could call him and he said No, he didn't want to talk... My heart sank, but I replied with what I thought was a nice reply, and I left him alone, until last night. I asked him if he wanted to go out and get dinner, and four hours later he replied. He said that he was meeting the girls (some of his friends) for happy hour and I could meet him there if I wanted. I was so excited. I thought that meant everything was going to be OK.

I got there and hugged the girls, but when CS didn't get up and give me a hug and a kiss, I knew something was wrong. He had bought me a drink already, and pushed it towards me. I laughed and joked, and tried to keep the conversation light, but it seemed like he was in pain just sitting next to me. I knew things were not back to normal. I had no idea that normal had been gone for a long time. The girls left and we had another drink at the bar, but again, he seemed like he just didn't want to be there. He gave me a ride to my car and handed me my stuff, and just sat in the car. In the 4.5 months we have been dating he has never once, not walked me to my car, gave me a hug, and a kiss. I said "Can I have a hug?" He said yeah, I'll hug you. and started to hug me in the car... I said I'm sorry I just don't know how to react, this is weird for me... It all went down hill from there.

I don't want to write about what happened next. I don't want to relive the pain. I can feel the bile welling up in my stomach just thinking about how much he hurt me, but I have to. I have to put it here so I can come back and read it, and remember that he isn't this wonderful man that I thought he was. I have to remember that he is broken, and damaged. I have to remember that he has had too many people break his spirit and heart and he has become o.k. with not feeling anything at all. I have to remember that even though no one has ever treated me as good as he did, no one has ever hurt me as badly as he did last night either.

I didn't want to get into a heavy conversation, and I tried to keep it light, but he said he still didn't know how he felt about they way I reacted on New Year's Eve. He told me when he left my house that morning, he had nothing to say to me. He said he wouldn't have minded if we had never talked again. I asked him, if he was serious, and he looked at me very matter of factual and said yes. I felt like I had been kicked in the stomach. I asked him why he invited me out tonight, and he said... "I don't know. I felt bad for you." More shock. More hurt. I repeated it back to him, and in the moment I just thought, do I seem that fragile that you have to "endure" seeing me tonight? He said "I was dreading seeing you tonight" I just looked at him, and shook my head. I couldn't believe those words were coming from THAT man. I couldn't believe that the person that I thought was such a gentleman, could say such horrible things to someone. He went on to clarify that he meant because he was afraid we would have this conversation. It was too late. The damage was done. The words had been spoken and I knew what they meant. I asked him if he thought he wanted to see me again, and he said "I don't know" He told me he doesn't  have the patience for this kind of thing right now. This kind of thing? Life? You mean reality and life? I didn't say the words I wanted to say. I wanted to lash out at him and hurt him and make him feel like he made me feel. I didn't. I didn't even cry. I just sat there stoic, thinking how could this be happening? I don't know why I kept asking questions. I should have ran away when the first sting of the conversation hit, but I didn't. I just kept thinking if you never want to see me again, perhaps now would be a good time to tell me, but he didn't, so I grasped on to that hope yet again.

When I started to leave the car I hugged him, and kissed him on the cheek. I took his hand and squeezed it and said that I wasn't giving up so soon on this. I told him that I believed that he was still a great person, and I still wanted to see him, and unless he told me he was done, I wasn't. I told him I wanted my glitter back. He squeezed my hand back, and before I left the car I turned back to look at him, and his eyes were wet. I just said "I'll text you later" and he said "Ok".

ok with never talking to you again. The man said he doesn't forgive easily. The man said that he was dreading seeing you! At that moment in time, half way home, I lost it. I cried and cried and cried and cried. I cried for all the days I wondered why he wasn't calling me. I cried for all the days and nights I spent caring about a man, who didn't seem to care about me. I cried for the loss of friends that I had made through him, that I would have to give up. I cried grieving the loss of things I would never do with him. I cried because I was again fooled by a man into believing that someday I would have my fairy tale ending.

I called RFG. I was hoping he would be awake, or sober enough to just listen. I wasn't ready to call my girlfriends, because I knew once they heard what he had said they wouldn't let me even contemplate seeing him again, and I wasn't ready to hear that. It's always easier to believe that there is a glimmer of hope. It's something to hang on to while you try and figure out how to go through each day without the person you had grown to adore. RFG was great. He listened while I sobbed uncontrollably in his ear. He made me laugh when I needed to and at the end of the conversation he made me feel wanted by saying "So you are on the market again?" in a suggestive way. This is twice now he has been there to pick up the pieces when a relationship goes south. I don't know what I would have done had he not answered the phone. I guess I would have just left some crazy rambling message. The best part about it, is that no matter how crazy my messages ever get, he always calls me back. He doesn't care if I am myself. He still loves me.

When I started seeing CS I told my daughter, he is my kryptonite, and if this doesn't work this could break my heart pretty badly. I was right. I am broken again. I think it would be easier to just retreat into a cave again. I think it would be easier to just not feel anything than to try and ever find love. I think it would be easier to just run away and give up. However, that is exactly what CS did to me. That is why I am sitting here crying again. He had someone in his life who would give him the moon and stars, and love him like there is no one else on earth He had unconditional adoration. He ran away the minute it got real. He didn't want it to be real, and messy like life is. He doesn't want to live. He s happy just existing. That's not life. That's death. I will not be like that. I refuse.

I will get through this...

This Is Getting Old...

I should be happy. I should be excited about all the possibilities of a new year. I'm not. With each day I don't hear from CS I go a little further into a funk. I don't even know if something bad has happened to him.

Part of my thinks, well if I haven't heard from him, then he's probably not "breaking up" with me, for lack of a better term. Then part of me thinks... why would he not talk to me? He knows I am worried, I did call him and tell him. Why can't he just text me and say he needs space, or worse he hates me. Of course I don't want to hear any of those words. It would make me feel worse than I do, but at least I would be able to heal, grieve, and start to move on. The way I feel now I am just floating through the day hoping that someone won't mention his name for fear I will just lose it.

I had no idea how much I cared about him. I had no idea how much he changed my life (for the good) until I felt like it could all be taken away. This isn't what I wanted. I loved the way it was. I loved the fun, and the new experiences. I loved how he brought so much joy and laughter to my life. I am not willing to let that go. I don't want that to end. I want my friend back. I want CS back.

I will get through this day!

Today Was Rough...

Today just kind of sucked. I got up and had no calls or texts from CS. I felt like I had been kicked in the stomach. I got ready to go to work and face the "How Was Your New Years Eve?" questions. I got to Starbucks just as DL was leaving. I told her what had happened, and she said we need to walk tonight around the lake and that will make me feel better. I got to work and I talked about the dress, the band, the food, and my friends. I pretended like nothing was wrong. I felt like I was lying.

Then it got worse. We had evidence locked down in our storage. Over the weekend we had towed in a fatal. Someone had lost their child, their friend, maybe their brother or grandson because they got into a car with someone who was drinking, and didn't wear their seat belt. I know that it's horrible but it suddenly made my life seem not so bad. I had a moment alone in the office and I found myself crying. I don't know if I was crying for the family that lost their son, or myself. Either way the day just kind of dragged on like I could burst into tears at any moment.

I met DL at the lake and we walked, and talked, and talked and talked. We talked about what I want, what I have, what she wants, what she has, or doesn't have. We talked about joining a gym. We talked about me drinking less wine in the future. We talked about my fears and insecurities, and it felt great just to get it all out, and feel validated for being a silly girl. I don't feel as bad as I did all day. I feel like I have hope.

Something inside me has been broken, and I guess it helps with the things I want to change about myself. I didn't look at the car from the fatal. I didn't feel like I needed to. I will probably cry for the family tonight when I go to bed... and you know what?

That's OK... I am OK.

Happy New Year...

So Much has happened since the last time I wrote. I'm not sure why I haven't been writing. I guess I just thought, I'll do it tomorrow, and then one day it WAS tomorrow. It's a new year, and I have things I want to work on like everyone else. Aside from the usual eat better, lose weight, and walk more I also want to be a better mom, a better friend, a better daughter, and better girlfriend if given the chance.

I guess what I am trying to say is in the last 4 months I have had someone in my life that has shown me just how much I really need to grow and change. My self confidence issue has reoccurred a couple of times in that time span, and I just don't know why or where it comes from, but I want to fix it. I don't want to feel insecure about my talent as a singer. I don't want to be measured by that talent either. When I first started hanging out with CS I always referred to myself as just a karaoke singer. I'm not. I have talent. I CAN sing. That habit of calling myself that was broken. Done and done.

I used to measure my talent on how many contests I won, or how many times a night someone told me I should be on American Idol. I used to feel like that was what I needed. It's not anymore. I guess being validated by someone with as much talent as CS even once was what I needed to hear to start believing in myself. I have had an opportunity in the past four months to meet, and spend time with a lot of really talented people. I adore most of them. I feel like CS has really let me into his world by introducing me to these people, and I feel like my life is richer for it. I guess I should have told him that more last year.

I also want to work on being a nicer person in general. I don't want to be Mother Teresa, but I guess I would like to be less catty, and judgemental. CS introduced me to one of his Friends JM. At first you want to take this lady to the beauty parlor and make her over. I know that's what I wanted to do... but now I am able to look past all of that and get to know the person. I never thought I would say this but I truly like JM! I feel like I have made a friend, not just someone that tolerates me presence because I am with CS. What other people have I missed adding to my life because of my snobbishness? No more...

The last 5 months of 2011 was honestly filled with so much joy for me, CS brought so many things to my world that I never could have experienced. I shared so much laughter and moments of fun with him, and I hope that 2012 is just as great.

Soundtrack: Auld Lang Syne

Changes...

Well as you can see there are some changes around here. Yes, my groovy template is gone forever. I miss it, but this gives me a chance to get a new one made, and update things around here a bit. Think of it as spring cleaning... only in the summer.

The radio station is still up and running, and I am even adding a couple of new DJ's. I am also thinking about doing another show. I did a show the other night, just a sound check to make sure my settings still work (and they really don't work the way that I want- but I will make due)and did a little quikie show. It was fun, and I realized how much I miss it! Monty (or star DJ) has maxed out our server. We can't hold any more listeners without upgrading our server, so we are working our way towards that. We are only $45.00 away! Click here if you would like to donate!

I have a new roomie. He's been one of my best friends for years, and we lived together once before, and he just recently moved back to the area, and is staying with me. He's an executive chef, so I think it's a match made in Heaven, since you know.. I like to eat and stuff. I mean how can you beat having Fillet Mignon for breakfast? For those of you who are wondering if we are dating, um no he's gay.

Monty got me on Twitter, so now you can stalk me on there too! Please add me, I feel so twitterless!

OK so there I posted, I know it's not funny, or fabulous... but I'll back in to my groove soon. I missed you bloggers!

Write A Book She Says...

So, Queenie thinks I should write a book about a guy who loves his dog too much. That's the story of my life. They always love something more than me, and they never have the balls to just break up with me in a normal fashion. It's almost like they sit and plot the whole relationship on just how they are going to break up with me. I believe all of these guys got together and planned this so they can see who can out-do each other. It's funny looking back on it now, and I doubt anyone would believe me, but perhaps I will write a book. It would, if nothing else be shelved under comedy. That would be enough to make me happy... well that and the mass quantity of money I would make.

Then I could afford to have a crack-house (Sonic) put right in my own backyard and then I could have Ched-R-Peppers any time I want!

So There I was Sitting In My Livingroom...

...and I was wondering why exactly I took 7 days off of work to do absolutely nothing.

Seriously, there was no reason to take a vacation. I mean I planned this great vacation, complete with great guy. Unfortunately, the best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry. Or in my case when I make plans with men who are really mice, they always go wrong. That's OK. I won't make that mistake again. Next year I am going to go on vacation alone, or take one of my girlfriends. Or maybe just not take a vacation... or maybe take a vacation to a place where I can meet a great guy, and never see him again. In any event SG will not be there.

So I guess this closes the chapter on SG. It was a lovely romantic fantasy, but when reality set in he decided he was better off living in his fantasy world where the only thing he has to do is go to work, ride his motorcycle and play with his dog. I wish him much luck in keeping that dream alive. I really do, but sadly I need more than a man who has an aversion to wearing shirts, and has an unnatural affection for his dog.

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