There are few things I enjoy more than shopping. It's not just about going out and buying stuff, because I can do that at the grocery store if I wanted. It's all about the "Road Trip". Jen B. and I can't just get in the car and go buy a pair of shoes or another purse. We make an entire event out of it. You see that's how we became friends really. Our mutual love for shopping.It was about two years(or maybe more...I dunno I was drunk) that we met. She was at a local Karaoke bar that I frequented. She was there with a friend of hers that looked a lot like Howdy Doody. I had previously met this guy on line and befriended him so when my boyfriend at the time (We shall call him convict) and I walked in, I was surprised to see him there. He introduced me to this rather tall scary gal, with a spiked collar on. I am all of 5'6". Very feminine, and I don't KNOW people that wear spikes so I was scared. She and I talked more a little bit and realized we had mutual gay friends in common. That made me change my opinion of her from "scary Goth Chick to "Fag Hag". I'm not sure if that was much better. As the night went on I proceeded to drink a few more drinks. (I know you are shocked at this) and we started to hit it off. I wasn't scared of her anymore, until she sang "I touch myself" and got down on her knees and sang it to me. Then my opinion went from "Fag Hag" to "Lesbian". I mean why else would she be hanging out with a guy who looks like Howdy Doody? We exchanged numbers and promised to call each other when we were going to be doing karaoke, but she never called me. She says she did, but I think she through away my number.
Months went by and we started seeing her frequent the bar more often. I already had a regular posse that I ran with, but invited her to sit with us anyway. She quickly became one of the gang. She was still a little bit scary and always dressed kind of on the funky side, so I quickly dubbed her "The Kewl Funky Friend".
One weekend I decided to take off out of town on a mini road trip. I was planning on staying with my "sister" Jenne and her family at "The Pet Menagerie" as I like to call it. I love my sister and her family, and she of course can live however she wants, so I mean this in the nicest of ways. She has too many damn pets. I am admittedly NOT a pet person to begin with so to me, 2 is too many. She has a huge dog named Doc. He is a lab or something and truly belongs outside. He has a little problem with gas, as in he is ALWAYS farting. That wouldn't be so bad, cause I mean he's a dog what does he know right? why does he have to come right up in my face to do it though? Then there is dog number 2. Minnie, she is a wiener dog and cute, if you are into yappy, underfoot wiener dogs, which I am not. Then there is cat number one Boo boo. I am more of a cat person but these cats are huge, it's like they were bred with ponies or something. One of the cats I dunno if its Bob or booboo, cause I can never get which one is which weighs so much when he lays on you, you can't breath. Now it's winter time when I make my journey so it's cold out and the house is closed up, so my nose was stuffy, and my eyes were runny. What a sight to behold.
I asked Jen B if she wanted to tag along and she jumped at the chance. I forgot to mention the pets to her. That probably wouldn't have been so bad but I talked all the way to Fresno, and I am sure she was ready to muzzle me by the end of the trip. We went out, and saw a band had some drinks, and drove back to Jenne's house. I think I may have run over a cop that was standing in the middle of the road but I can't be sure as I was drunk and didn't see him until it was too late. When I looked in my rear view mirror he wasn't there, so I drove faster to Jenne's. I may have actually hallucinated all of that, but Jen B. Swears it's true. The next day we went shopping for HOURS at the local malls, bought new purses, and hats, and decided to stay for another night. We ended up going out to sing that night at the only place we could find with karaoke. It was a tiny little hick bar in the middle of nowhere. We walked in all dressed up, and here we were in this grungy, stinky COUNTRY bar. I don't think Jen B. Knew even one country song she could sing, so I wasn't sure we would stay very long. It's one of those places where everyone looks at you when you walk in, and I swear one guy growled at us. It may have been the fact that Jen B. Was wearing a wife beater and a hot pink trucker hat that says "Mullets Get Chicks" but I can't really know for sure. She sang and they thought she was great with her non-country song so when I got up there I thought I was going to be safe with one of my fabulous country numbers. I was wrong. They just looked at me kind of funny. We quickly gathered our things and left before the lynching started. Only to return to The Pet Menagerie, for night number two if Doc the farting wonder dog. The company was good though, and Jen B, and Jenne seemed bond their mutual love of The Food Network.
The next day we left because our butts were feeling rather greasy from the long weekend, and I swear I coughed up a hair ball on the way home. We did have a lot of laughs and I think that is when we decided we would start taking a lot more road trips together. We have been hitting shopping malls, karaoke bars, and fabulous restaurants all over the state ever since. When I started hanging out with Jen B. I had to promise her a couple of things.
1. I will never buy a "backpack purse" again.
2. I will never wear over-alls, for any reason, not at home, or out of the house.
3. I will always wear a bra.
4. NO Dry humping EVER!
5. No more dating convicts, or men who's names start with the letter T
All in all I think it' a fair trade, as I now have the other have to my Thelma & Louise fantasy.
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